


Unable Are the Loved to Die

by tenrousei_kuroi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (sort of?), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brother/Brother Incest, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:40:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 37,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenrousei_kuroi/pseuds/tenrousei_kuroi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What good is life without a little Alternate Reality fanfiction? As suggested by Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius's younger brother "panics about what he [is] being asked to do" and gets himself into a bit of trouble because of it (pg. 112, North American Edition). Now Sirius has the option to leave Regulus to be killed or maybe, just maybe, get over himself and accept that some people exist in shades of grey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written about ten years ago (yikes), shortly after the release of the 5th Harry Potter book. So that's why there's no mention of horcruxes, etc. Also why Lily is the wrong age. 
> 
> Title credit to Emily Dickinson.

_start chapter one_

**Section I**

_Fucking weather,_ thought Sirius grumpily. As if England wasn't depressing enough with the current state of things, now there was rain coming down sideways, coating the roads so thickly that Sirius felt as though he was wading through a lake.

 _Shit._ He kicked at the ground, sending water flying up everywhere. His robes were already soaked through, and his boots were never going to be properly dry again. He was angry that it was putting him in a really foul mood just before he was to present his findings to the Order. He couldn't waltz into Headquarters soaking wet and spouting off expletives, he had enough trouble getting respect from the older wizards as it was.

This business of wandering the dark, _and soaking_ , back streets of Knockturn Alley was really just bad timing. He needed to meet up with the others in less than twenty minutes but first he had to get his hands on some potions of a rather sensitive nature. _Drugs_ he supposed would be a more blatantly honest term but either way he was almost to the front shop now and this wasn't something he wanted to postpone any longer, he was running low.

Sirius shook his head a little. Stress relief sure was getting harder to find, and more expensive.

The rain was easing up a little, however, and it was probably that factor alone that allowed him to hear what he did. The voices, which would have otherwise been lost in the mindless drone that was the rain on and all around his head, rang clear, if slightly faint, straight into his ears. He froze.

" _What in the hell do you think you're doing, huh?"_

Sirius melted into the brick wall, converted immediately into a stealth mode of sorts. He inched his way down the alley and finally peered around the corner. There was a small group of people, four to be exact, and he was, unfortunately, rather well acquainted with several of them.

 _Death Eaters._ Well, he supposed it was fitting. Here he was, blowing off the Order of the Phoenix like the irresponsible and selfish person he was, and who should he run into but a group of the very terrorists he was _supposed_ to be undermining.

For a moment he considered high tailing it, just turning around and apparating straight to Dumbledore. Everyone was already gathered for a meeting anyway, he could grab some of the others, be back here in an instant, and they could frighten, capture, or kill these sorry sons of bitches. However something stopped him. These were Voldemort's soldiers as he had never seen them before. They seemed to be, in a way, _off the clock._ No masks, no organization whatsoever. They weren't even wearing robes, just shirts and jeans. No, right now these were just people.

And it was what they were saying that fascinated him. He stepped closer to listen in; the three Death Eaters who were standing had their backs to him, and were effectively towering over the fourth person who was either one of them, or else some unfortunate victim. Sirius was in little danger of being seen.

" _You, IDIOT,"_ the tallest one growled. It was Rodolphus Lestrange, and he looked the worse for wear. The rain had matted his hair to his head and face, and his movements were jerky. He glanced to his sides now and then, as if terrified someone was going to sneak up on him.

 _Well somebody is, you sorry bastard,_ thought Sirius. He closed his hand around the handle of his wand, readying himself for if any of them turned a full hundred and eighty degrees.

The man standing next to Rodolphus was Lucius Malfoy, and Sirius thought if the Ministry could see him now, he'd be in Azkaban just for looking the part of a crazy person. He was disheveled, and his shirt was torn and untucked. He was screaming, literally raving. He actually spun in a complete circle at one point, but was in such a rage he didn't even see Sirius who was, by this point, only ten or so feet away. Instead he steadied himself and kicked the surrounded person. Hard. Sirius heard a muffled scream after the sickening thud that was bones being jarred by the toe of Malfoy's boot. He grimaced. The fallen man's left arm was sticking out at an odd angle and in between the six legs that surrounded him, Sirius could see a faint mark—the Dark Mark. So the fourth man was one of them as well. All pity vanished from Sirius's heart.

And then the final standing murderer was someone Sirius had not seen in a good number of years, but he bore such a strong resemblance to Rodolphus that in all likelihood he was his younger brother.

" _Fucking hell!"_ Malfoy screamed. _"We're dead!_ Every last one of us and for what? Because you, _you are a coward."_

The older Lestrange picked the Death Eater up off the ground and slammed him hard into the wall at the end of the alley. He had his hand pressed firmly over the other one's face, fingers digging into his flesh, and he ground his head against the brick. "He's going to kill you," he hissed. "And torture us because we were involved. _You back out on us; you've betrayed the Dark Lord."_

"No," the man gasped. "It's not, I just—you don't—"

Malfoy stepped forward again. Sirius watched unfeelingly as he drove his hand into the other Death Eater's open mouth, grabbing hard. The sound of rain didn't quite cover up the _pop_ and _crack_ of the jawbone. Malfoy's thumb was cutting into the underside of the man's jaw and he could speak no more, only gurgle and moan. Lucius flung him to the ground and kicked him again, this time in the face.

" _FUCK!"_ he screamed again, tearing at his own hair. "Do you not understand what you've _done?"_

"I _haven't_ —" insisted the man. Sirius's eyes were wide with interest by this point. What could this Death Eater have done to make his own partners turn on him like this? He imagined the possibilities would make quite a long list. The Death Eaters were, as a general rule, a fairly emotionally unstable group.

"That's right, you fucker," Malfoy growled. "You _didn't_ do what you were told. Is it really that _hard?_ You had…ONE order. ONE! And you couldn't carry it out."

"I _couldn't,_ Lucius!" the man screamed from the ground. The words came out thickly from the injuries to his face and the spatter of warm, syrupy blood that seeped out the corner of his mouth. Sirius still couldn't tell who it was, his face was pressed into the pavement and the surrounding Death Eaters were huddled too close.

Then Rodolphus kneeled down on the ground. He seemed a little calmer, but if anything he was more dangerous. He grabbed the man's shoulders and heaved him up into a sitting position. Looking him in the face, he spoke almost softly, so that Sirius had to strain to hear him. "If you're for our cause you're in all the way, there's no partial loyalty. The Dark Lord gave you a command, and after promising to carry it out, you didn't. Now, does that sound like faithful service to you?"

"You don't _understand—"_ he started to insist, but stopped in mid-sentence and started coughing violently into Rodolphus's shirt. Rodolphus flung him back to the ground and stood up.

"Disgusting!" he exclaimed, and began furiously wiping his front. "Fucking blood all over me, and," he looked closer. "Ah, _shit_."

Upon noticing the fallen man squirming on the ground in such a manner that suggested he was trying to stand up, Rabastan moved forward and stomped his heel down on his wrist. Something snapped, and the man screamed as Rabastan dug his heel down harder, grating the joint against the pavement. Tiny chips of rock embedded themselves into the skin, blood veins swelled and then burst. Rabastan growled.

Malfoy, however, seemed to be calming down. He wiped rain and grime off his face and smoothed his sleeves. "All right," he said suddenly. He pushed both Lestranges back away from their victim. "We can fix this."

Sirius realized then that his mouth was hanging open and gathering rainwater. He nearly choked, but managed to quiet himself.

"Just _what_ are we supposed to do? We are not going to get away from this."

"It is _simple_ ," Malfoy insisted. He turned his full attention to the brothers and Sirius got his first glimpse of the man on the ground. No, suddenly he didn't look like a man, more like a boy, a teenager. Sirius wondered why his heart was still unfeeling towards the situation.

The kid had dark hair, but his face was too disfigured and covered in blood to be recognizable. This is what Sirius told himself.

Malfoy continued. "We don't _need_ him. We continue with our mission as planned, only first we kill this worthless traitor and then one of us will just have to do his part ourselves."

Now the kid on the ground was curled up in a ball, and crying into his knees. He seemed to know he wasn't going to live much longer, but he still cried out for his mother—and for _daddy._

A small smile formed on Sirius's face. Any previous thoughts of leaving the scene for help were now truly gone. This was even worth being late to the meeting for, hell, it was worth postponing his _drug_ purchase for. He was going to get to watch these monsters kill one of their own. He felt like a teenager getting his hands on a dirty magazine. His whole body positively _tingled._ This pathetic kid was going to bite it soon, and then there'd be one less useless person in the world. If you weren't going to fight for what was good, you could at least bother to be faithful to your dark master, Sirius reasoned.

If you weren't _us_ you were _them._ And all of _them_ deserved to die, by whatever means available. It was simply the truth.

"Great," muttered Rabastan. "We've all got our own shit to do and now one of us has to kill Sirius Black as well? Fucking _great._ "

"Shut up, and quit your goddam whining, it's not like we have a choice."

Kill him? My, things were certainly very interesting after all. Sirius almost allowed himself to laugh silently as he pretended to wonder just why on earth Voldemort would think this stupid child soldier would have even a chance of getting close enough to him to kill him.

Sirius was briefly struck by his own cruelty. He found himself wondering what James or Lily would do in this situation. Of course the idiots would try to help this useless deserter. Why wouldn't he do the same, if he and James were so very similar?

But no, he and James were not so similar at all, and he sure as hell wasn't anything like Lily. They weren't weighed down by constant misery and guilt. They'd done only good with their lives; they hadn't _ever_ taken advantage of anyone. They'd only ever loved and been loved in return.

Sirius wasn't even sure if he knew real love when he saw it anymore, his mind was so warped by this point.

"Fine, whatever, just _fine,"_ Rodolphus's voice snapped Sirius out of his reverie. He was standing so very close to the group of them now, it was truly amazing they hadn't noticed him.

 _Braindead fuckwits,_ Sirius smirked.

"I guess I'll do it," Rodolphus continued.

"Do what? Kill him or Big Brother?"

Sirius's smile briefly faltered.

" _Him,_ you idiot, Malfoy can kill the Blood Traitor."

"Oh why _thank you_ for volunteering me, Lestrange!"

"Shut the _hell_ up, Malfoy, god." Rodolphus turned and looked down again at his victim. The kid was shaking; his back was twitching, then soon having spasms which quickly escalated to what looked like an all-out seizure. "Sorry, kid," Rodolphus shrugged. "I almost kind of liked you for a while there…no, stop crying for him like that, your big brother isn't going to come help you now, he never liked you anyway, remember?"

Regulus mumbled and took in great, shuddering breaths. It seemed to be all he could do.

In what a normal person might have considered to be overkill, given Regulus's current state of mind and body, Malfoy smiled a crooked little smile and raised his wand, murmuring in that soft, regal voice of his, " _Legilimens."_

Regulus's body convulsed on the ground and then finally, perhaps mercifully, he was still, the slow heaving of his chest the only sign indicating that he was still alive.

Then an abrupt, harsh sound reminiscent of a laugh left Malfoy's mouth. "No, he really didn't love you at all, did he? But it sure seems like he had some serious fun with you there for a while." Malfoy was looking at Regulus with disgust and contempt. "No _wonder_ you were so eager to join up, if you're so used to being used by everyone."

"Don't be cruel, Malfoy," Rodolphus insisted mildly. "Now let's just get going. One of us is still going to have to explain to the Dark Lord why we wasted such a potentially useful recruit. Everybody start thinking how exactly we're going to word our explanation…and practice your occlumency." He raised his wand lazily and pointed it directly at Regulus's chest. "Later, Black, too bad you're such a coward. You had the perfect opportunity to get back at that disgusting brother of yours, but you wasted it. Now there's nothing you can do, and Sirius is too weak to save you even if he wanted to—"

 _Weak._ That struck a nerve and Sirius was finally spurred into action. Growling, he sliced his wand through the air. _"Multos,"_ he screamed. Nobody called him weak.

More than a dozen shadowy figure burst forth from his wand, each strongly resembling a cloaked wizard, and Malfoy, Rodolphus and Rabastan all spun around wildly, taken completely off guard.

They didn't even attempt to understand what they were seeing. A good look would tell them they were staring at harmless smoke humans which were already fading, but they had been so startled that, thinking themselves hideously outnumbered, they fled. They apparated so quickly they probably splinched themselves.

 _Well, good,_ Sirius thought as his smoke people faded into nothing, although he would really have liked to have gotten a few good curses in there before the Death Eaters had fled.

This left him quite alone in the alleyway with his brother, who didn't even seem to notice he was there. Regulus hadn't moved—hadn't even flinched—when Sirius had cast his spell, as if he was still stuck in the memories that Malfoy had pulled to the surface and was no longer even aware of his surroundings.

Sirius refused to go much closer than two or three feet from him, because the rain had worn down to a steady trickle and he didn't want to step in the now stagnant pool of blood surrounding the fallen Death Eater.

Sirius sighed. What, _just what_ , was he supposed to do now?

"Sir…us?" Regulus had opened his eyes. Sirius didn't answer him.

Regulus tried to sit himself up but with only one working hand the attempt didn't go over too well. He fell back down, and didn't try again. Instead he repeated his brother's name. When he moved his mouth, Sirius could see bright blood between his teeth, and his face adopted a revolted expression.

"I'm assuming this is yours?" Sirius finally spoke, pointing to a wand fallen some ten feet to the left. He walked over and picked it up. He recognized it immediately; it was definitely Regulus's wand. "Well, I guess I'll just keep it then," he said in an offhand voice.

Regulus was quite quiet. Sirius wondered briefly if he had died.

Would be for the better, he thought. Sirius wasn't sure executing his brother would bring him so much joy as he might have thought.

But then Regulus started to dry heave, still very much alive, and Sirius swore under his breath. Well, maybe he hadn't quite become a cold blooded killer yet, but he had been rendered cynical enough to think leaving Regulus for dead was an agreeable compromise. Let Voldemort and his faithful Pureblood Slaves take care of the waste of space that was Regulus Black.

Well maybe that wasn't true, hadn't Regulus been useful for some things?

"You're…leaving?" Regulus managed to choke out in between stomach convulsions.

"Yes," said Sirius simply.

"Will you," Regulus paused to cough into the ground. It was something of an accomplishment that he could speak at all; his lower jaw was positioned much too far to the left. "Will you take me with you?"

"Of course not," Sirius hissed. "You're as good as dead anyway when your little friends get back, and besides, you're of no use to me like this, all banged up and unable to move…not so pretty anymore."

Regulus looked up at him briefly, eyes dull. It seemed to take a great amount of effort just for him to move his head. Sirius walked around most of the blood carefully and then, arms stretched as far from his own body as they could go, he lifted Regulus roughly off the ground by his arms. Regulus seemed to be trying to say something, but he couldn't form the words anymore.

"However," Sirius said, holding his brother against the brick wall with one arm, the other loose at his side. "If you get the chance to talk to anyone before they kill your worthless ass, don't tell them I never did anything for you."

Then he punched Regulus hard in the head—probably hard enough to knock him out—and with both his and his brother's wands in his pocket, he apparated straight to Order Headquarters, by that time truly furious that he was covered in rain and quite without any drugs.

**section II**

"Okay, now run this by me one more time again, Lily."

Lily rolled her eyes as she threw her duffel bag to the ground. "We've both told you, Sirius! We're hiding from Voldemort, is it really that difficult for you to understand?"

"You and James, I get," said Sirius, eyes his two friends as they began rifling through their bags for anything that needed to be put away in the kitchen or living room. "After all you're a Mudblood and James has been marked for dead for a while now, honestly I'm surprised Dumbledore didn't deem you both useless and lock you up long before now…but why do _I_ have to be here?"

James took a deep breath and looked up from the floor, his arms still elbow deep in his suitcase. "Because, retard, you were the one who just went and blabbed to the whole Order about how Voldemort had specifically ordered your brother to kill you."

"Yeah," Sirius scoffed, throwing his own bag onto the sofa. "And look where it got him," he reached into his pocket and took out Regulus's wand. "Motherfucker's dead. This's all that's left of him," he examined the wand closely.

"Sirius, stop complaining and help us unpack!" James said angrily. "If you want to go and…well if you need to go reflect for a while about Regulus that's fine, but otherwise get your ass in gear and help us make this place habitable. We're going to be here for a while!"

"I am not going to go cry my eyes out in my room over Regulus," Sirius said coldly. "I'm glad that he's dead. First Father, now him. All that's left is my Mother, it's like Christmas came early."

Lily stood up, a set of dishes in her hand. "Sirius, number one: you are a terrible freaking liar, and number two: take these dishes into the kitchen for me."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and obliged, losing the desire to argue.

When he returned to the living room, James and Lily were meandering around it, flicking their wands absently, changing the wallpaper, summoning knick-knacks to place on the mantel, and lighting up the fireplace.

James started putting up pictures he'd packed in one of their suitcases.

"You wanna' go fix up the bedrooms, Sirius?" he asked without looking at his friend. "I've got some sheets and comforters in my suitcase. There are alarm clocks in Lily's duffel bag."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure whatever. Have to wake up on time for all the important work we're going to be doing for the Order."

Lily laughed from where she crouched in front of the fire. "Oh just be happy you're alive, Sirius, that you _get to live._ We're safe here in this house. Sure I'd rather be fighting, but if Dumbledore wants us kept safe then I am _not_ going to fight the man on it. Even if it is just a thinly veiled move on his part to get rid of three over-eager and obnoxious teenagers."

"You're nearly twenty-two—"

"Besides, Padfoot, you're still in _some_ danger."

"Oh really?"

"Oh yeah," James smirked, smoothing out his shirt. "You're the Secret-Keeper, aren't you? When the charm kicks in tonight at midnight, you'll be the only one able to tell people where we are. With you hidden out here we're completely un-findable."

"So?"

James flung his head back and stared at the ceiling. "So it's your job to _leave_ once and a while to check in with everyone else, catch us up on all the important stuff going on, make sure we aren't still hanging out here nine years after Voldemort's death!"

"Yes, Sirius," Lilly nodded. "You could be killed walking out the door and apparating to Headquarters."

She and James sniggered.

"Both of you, close your damn mouths. Fucking _Secret Keeper,"_ he added in an undertone.

"I suggested they just get a telephone up in here and call us when something important happens, but nobody seemed to believe me when I said Voldemort probably wasn't focusing on hacking phone lines."

Sirius was yanking bedsheets out of James's suitcase. "Can't they just send us an owl?" he griped.

"Dunno', think they might be worried about owls being tracked or something so we're not going to get much more than the newspaper delivered to us by bird."

"You know, they have cordless phones now," Lily mused.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius started to march up the stairs, calling back down at his friends. "And I suppose hooking us up with some two-way communications device is out of the question? Or Floo or something?"

"Totally," James and Lily both yelled.

"Something about regulations and the Ministry finding out," James explained, but Sirius was already out of earshot.

* * *

"Lily," said James some several hours later. "This is a bad idea; none of us knows how to cook!"

Lily continued to rummage through the kitchen gathering dishes and ingredients they had been supplied with. "We are all in our twenties now, for god's sake we have to learn to take care of ourselves sometime!"

"We are going to burn down the house," James whined.

"What do you want to do, Jaime, call out for pizza?"

"I appreciate your sarcasm, Lily, I really do."

Lily, who was wearing socks but no shoes, slid across the hardwood kitchen floor and over to one of the cupboards from which she began searching for wherever they had earlier placed the spatula. "That will be a good thing if you ever manage to land yourself a girlfriend or—god forbid—a wife."

"Hey, am I really that ugly?"

"Whoa, which one of us is the one spouting off negative adjectives, man?" Lily said, her hands raised in defeat, while at the same time Sirius said, "yes."

"Good to see you're still against me, Sirius," James said with mock hurt in his voice.

"Just voicing the truth."

Lily was now pushing food around in a saucepan with the spatula she had found. "Oh I just remembered, Sirius, I ran into a man in Knockturn Alley earlier today—where I was shopping for entirely _legal_ items, James—and he gave me some stuff he said he had had reserved for you. Then he made me pay for it. It's in the front pocket-thing of my duffel bag if you want it. Some kind of potion and a bunch of syringes?"

"Well maybe you won't be so bored here after all," James said as he gathered up cutlery and plates to set the table. "You can kill yourself slowly on magical acid trips."

"First of all, never use any sort of drug terminology, Prongs, you don't know what you're fucking talking about. And Lily? Uh, thanks, I guess. I'll pay you back sometime."

"You're goddam right you will," said Lily cheerfully. "Here, switch me Jaime, I'll finish setting the table, you make sure these omelets don't burn."

"Yum, omelets for dinner," James smiled, and he and Lily exchanged forks for spatula.

Sirius, however, didn't feel like joining in on their playful banter like he normally would. James and Lily were two of the few people who made him feel comfortable; _at ease,_ but for some reason he really didn't want to be around anyone right now. There was this strange feeling creeping around in his stomach and while he couldn't quite identify it, he knew that he didn't like it.

Even when the three of them were seated at the table, James and Lily eating happily and trying to convince Sirius to help them come up with plans for entertainment over the next stretch of time, Sirius didn't feel like doing much more than mutilate his dinner.

"Last time I cook for you," said James in disgust as he watched Sirius press the flat edge of his fork down so hard on his omelet that eggs and cheese spilled out all over his plate.

"Sirius," said Lily with worry. "You know…you know Regulus's death wasn't your fault, honey. They'd killed him before you even got there; there was nothing you could do!"

The fork flew out of Sirius's hand and clanged on the table.

James tried to catch Sirius's eye. "I know you pretend you don't care or anything, but he was your baby brother man, and finding his dead body…and overhearing those Death Eaters saying…saying why they'd done it, well, that has _got_ to be hard. I know it does, don't lie."

Sirius was taking deep breaths. _Why couldn't they both just shut up?_

"I'm really not bothered," said Sirius, eyes looking down and to the right. "I don't miss him. Besides," he finally glanced at James. "I have you, and you're a much better brother, anyway."

_Brother, maybe, but what about—?_

James didn't have anything to say, and neither did Lily, but they both seemed rather disturbed by Sirius's comment.

Predictably the next few minutes were tense and silent, but things eased back eventually. James finally broke the depressing mood by looking earnestly to both Sirius and Lily. "So since we're going to be trapped here for god-only-knows how long, and none of us has a boyfriend or girlfriend—"

"Actually, James," Lily began.

"I mean no one has a significant other _here with us_ right now. So we are going to have to get creative. Lily, who do you want to have sex with first, me or Sirius?"

"Hm," said Lily, taking a drink from her cup of water. "How about you and Sirius go at it, and I just watch?"

"Maybe when I get really desperate, but not now. How about all three of us at once, then?"

Sirius went limp and sank incredibly low in his chair, his head lolling to the side.

"Let me think, James…uh no."

**Section III**

Alone in his room, staring at the ceiling, Sirius had all the time in the world to brood. Everything was just so _wrong._ And why? He was shacked up with his two best friends under strict orders to do nothing but hang out and slack off. He was responsible for no one and nothing. This should be perfect.

But he just didn't feel right. There was this sick, spinning in his stomach and he couldn't make it go away. He felt like a man on his deathbed, looking back and realizing he'd lived an empty life full of wasted opportunities. Something was missing.

He had James— _his brother—_ and he had Lily _—a best friend._ So why did he feel all alone? He didn't want these feelings to come back.

Angry now, he violently tore off his shirt, and then sat up on the bed with his head in his hands. He was sweating, and it made his skin slick and sticky.

He needed to get out of that safe house, if only for a little while. Grinding his teeth together, he locked his bedroom door, threw on a jacket, and was out the window with practiced ease, as stealthily as if this were some act of rebellion he must hide from his parents.

It was well into the night by now, but he couldn't see the stars. There was a dirty fog in the sky, in the streets as well, and shaking his head Sirius set off down the road with no particular destination in mind.

Suddenly getting a hold of someone—anyone, it didn't matter who—seemed like a very good idea, a necessity almost. The sickness in his stomach was migrating down his body. He paused his walking and nearly groaned. Now this was quickly becoming a situation he was more familiar with, a feeling he could put a name to, this incessant _want_ that just wouldn't go away.

Sirius wished he had the presence of mind to be thoroughly ashamed of himself. He should know better than this, and in a bar of all places. Yet there he sat, downing drink after drink and eyeing people up and down. He could have his pick, really, he could, but they had to be just _right._

No, not so tall as that, and no blonde just wouldn't do. Those eyes, they were too small, that chest was not flat enough.

It was as if his superego had died back with Regulus in that alley. He laughed to himself and searched for the bottom of still another shot glass. He knew, part of him really _did know_ , that he couldn't allow his id to just run rampant like this, hand in hand with copious amounts of alcohol, but what else could he do? He'd been running from his past for the better part of five years, swatting it away like a buzzing insect whenever it tried, meekly, to approach him. Now he had finally hit a wall (a dead end), there was nowhere left to run, and the buzzing _fly_ was immortal.

He'd worked so hard to build this new life for himself. He had morals now; he had a cause to fight for, and friends to support him. Nothing from before all that mattered and he certainly didn't want anything to do with any of it.

Still, if that was the case, then why was he here? If he wasn't trying to replace what he'd only just realized he had _lost_ , then why had he come? What exactly was he looking for?

"You," he said, unable to stand it a minute longer. "How'd you like to go somewhere a little quieter?"

Rooms with dark, peeling wallpaper, rooms without so much as a hint of light. That made it easier, but Sirius still couldn't shake the image from his mind. Everything was so close, but off by just _that much,_ and that made it almost unbearable. To be so very close…

The hair was dark brown, but no, it wasn't dark enough. It would look better if it were darker, and shorter. It was too fucking long, well past the shoulders and all around the face, almost a goddamn hijab. Only the eyes were pretty, a brilliantly clear blue, but that was wrong too, somehow. Those eyes were too beautiful for this face that was so ugly, so soft and round. Everything was too damn soft.

He couldn't stand to grab the shoulders, they were too small, so he tried to hold on by the waist, but it was…squishy. A small, flat stomach, yes, but there were no muscles nestled firmly underneath, just fat. It was unsettling. His hands hastily slid up to grip each side of the face and slowly they tumbled down to the mattress.

Sirius closed his eyes so tightly it hurt, closed them until he saw sparks; it was the only way he could bare to kiss trails down the chest and abdomen. He wanted to gag, but kept going, he _needed_ this.

Weak, weak, so weak. How he would be mocked if any of his friends knew about this miserable performance. What was he doing wrong? The satisfied sighs and moans channeling through his ears and to his brain were only pissing him off: _he_ should be the one making those sounds.

" _Fuck."_

_Just finish, already._

_Just like…that._

Sirius looked over. The eyes were closed and a small sigh ghosted out from between the lips. She seemed contented enough, so why didn't he? He got up without a word and threw on the bare minimum of clothing. She called after him sleepily, and in a voice laced with hurt, "hey…wait," but he was already out the door.

He nearly ran back to the house, pausing only when he reached the window outside his room, chest heaving. He leaned forward, arms crossed on the side of the house, face buried in his forearms.

Perhaps he had been lying to himself. Maybe just anyone wouldn't do after all. Maybe who he really wanted—really needed—was gone. Gone and dead.

He wanted to scream but instead he just cried quietly. He didn't notice when the rain started.

" _Fuck,_ Regulus. I have never been so mad at you!"

_end chapter one._


	2. Chapter 2

_start chapter two_

**Section l**

Sirius was never one to see things through, or even manage to complete the half-assed attempts of which most people accused him. This being noted, Regulus Black was in no way, dead. True he had come frighteningly close. Dislocated jaws, cracked ribs and granulated wrist bones were painful things, sure, and when added on top of numerous open wounds on the body of a hemophilic teenager they were certainly enough to obliterate all will to live, but they did not always succeed in their quest to be fatal.

Sirius had assumed that Lucius and the others would return to Regulus, but he had been wrong. Not one of the three men seemed eager to go back to that alleyway, and Regulus didn't care what their reasons were. Most likely they would assume the Order had killed him, or possibly, though less likely, taken him into custody. It was safe to assume that if Regulus's photo wasn't in the newspaper the next day under the headline _'Black Heir Arrested on Charges of Political Terrorism'_ then Voldemort would be informed of his death at the hands of the Order of the Phoenix. It was perfect, in a way, because so long as Lucius, Rodolphus and Rabastan believed it to be true, Voldemort would not know they were feeding him optimistic, if not entirely false information.

Regulus groaned. What on earth was he going to do? Sirius had taken his wand, he was in so much pain that he was actually starting to go numb, and he couldn't move his lower jaw.

It would have been a very convenient time for his magic to kick in and come to his rescue, like it had so many times before, but not for the first time in his life, Regulus was finding that maybe he didn't want to pull through after all. He had started to, yes, the bleeding, despite his severe blood clotting issues, had slowed and finally stopped a few minutes ago. His wrist had begun to throb and tingle in a way that suggested it was contemplating reshaping itself, and he had been starting to feel the beginnings of muscles and bone repairing themselves in his jaw. All that had stopped, however, when Sirius left him behind.

Honestly Regulus had no idea why he should feel so surprised. He was not good enough, Sirius hadn't wanted him for years now, and hadn't Regulus done the final bad thing? Wasn't tattooing his forearm the epitome of all evil? The one thing for which his brother would never forgive him?

Regulus was realizing this now, but truth be told, a part of him had thought maybe Sirius _would_ forgive him for it, if he'd understood Regulus's reasons, but Regulus had been given no chance to explain. Then again, since when was that anything new?

If Regulus could have laughed without literally losing half his face and vomiting to boot, he would have, and quite bitterly at that. He could only imagine how he looked just then. Tears falling so fast he couldn't even feel them, snot and blood running from his nose, caking over on his upper lip.

And there was so much blood around him.

Regulus made a sort of coughing noise in his throat, and buried his face in the pavement. He could feel tiny rocks sticking themselves into his skin.

Why couldn't anything go right? If he'd just had a few seconds to talk to his brother, there were just a few things he'd needed to say. He had to explain to him, had to make him realize that he'd had a good reason for running with Voldemort and his Death Eater army! Even if Sirius didn't think too much of his explanation, at least he would have softened a bit when he realized that Regulus did in fact have somewhat noble intentions—he had tried to be good!

There was something else that had been urgent, but what had it been?

Regulus was having trouble thinking, there was a blackness clouding areas of his vision and he blinked hard, unable to decide if slipping into unconsciousness was what he wanted or not. His mind started to jump all over the place. _What had he been so intent on saying to Sirius?_

Regulus wanted to be with his brother, but if the last five years hadn't been proof enough, this last encounter had driven the point home quite nicely: Sirius did not want anything to do with him, and if he had truly failed to win back Sirius's affections, then what was the point of staying alive? There simply was nothing else.

Regulus was entirely prepared at that moment to lie there, hunkered over in the dirty alleyway, and wait for death, whether it came from his injuries or the possible arrival of Ministry Officials—or worse, Death Eaters. However, something sprang into his mind at the last moment, and he remembered what had been so important.

The friend of Sirius's, the Peter Pettigrew friend, he was a traitor to their cause, a double agent. _That_ was what Sirius needed to know!

Well Sirius might not love him anymore, but Regulus could still do him this one last favor. They were brothers after all, right? There was no way he was going to let his brother, the one person on this planet that he actually cared about, be betrayed by one of his so-called comrades.

That thought was all it took for the survival instinct to kick back in, and Regulus slowly, ever so slowly managed to fix himself up a bit. It took the better part of several hours, he figured, unable to tell the time with all the clouds in the sky and the overhanging building eaves blocking the sun, but still he was finally able to stand. The rain had stopped entirely.

The numbness that came with that final stage of injury, the one that sometimes preceded death, evaporated at last, and when Regulus could move his jaw enough to scream, he did. He couldn't focus on any of his other healing injuries at the moment because his face—his fucking face—was just too much. Doubled over against the wall, he clutched at his jaw. Several wounds on his cheek reopened and the blood started to pour anew.

This was as far as he was going to get. He stopped yelling and settled for quiet, uneven sobs. His magic was done, it wasn't going to do any more, and he hadn't expected it to. With shaky movements, he tried to walk forward. When he found he could shuffle around a bit, looking ever the part of an invalid child, he paused to zero in on his real problem.

Where was Sirius now? He knew, wherever he was, that he was living with James Potter, but he didn't have much else to go on. He tried to think of something Pettigrew might have let slip that could help him. He couldn't dare walk up to any other of the Good Guys, they would take him out on sight, at the very least cart him off to prison, and he didn't have _time_ for that. He needed to inform Sirius now of what his supposed friend was up to, Pettigrew had only just joined after all. If he waited or was delayed until some real damage had been done, the value of his action would be cheapened, and Sirius would not appreciate it.

Regulus had to stop himself there. Sirius would not appreciate his gesture no matter what. It was dangerous to think that the right sequence of actions might change Sirius's mind about wanting him dead.

Regulus wished the rain would start up again, and maybe wash off some of his blood.

**Section ll**

James knew his friend was a little bit schizophrenic at times, and he had long ago accepted that as just part of Sirius's quirky nature, but the man had never been out of it for this long before. James had tried to visit him earlier that morning, and it had not gone well at all.

Almost immediately James was hit with the realization that Sirius had not spent the majority of the night in their safehouse, but he didn't dare call him on it. He didn't think congratulating Sirius on getting laid was in order, either. Instead he had sat down next to his friend and asked him with raised eyebrows, "what the hell have you been punching the wall for? Your hands are all bloodied!"

Sirius had kicked him out shortly thereafter, and James had sighed and made himself comfortable in the living room, facing the fire.

"Lily," he said when she entered the room, still half asleep. "We need to do something about Sirius, I think he's really upset."

"Sirius is always, upset," she shot back automatically, but her heart wasn't in the comment, and she blinked rapidly to wake herself up some more. "But no…you're right. We need to figure this out. I don't understand what's got him so miffed."

James leaned forward and fixed his eyes on the ground. He said carefully, "I think it's his brother. I think Regulus's death is bothering him more than he's letting on."

"Sirius hates Regulus. Always has." Lies, lies and more automatic lies.

Lily sat down on the floor and leaned her back against the sofa. She flung her arms over her knees.

"No," said James. "Not always. For the first year or so that his brother was at school they were actually pretty amicable."

"No shit?" asked Lily incredulously. "Really? Wonder what changed. Well, other than the Voldemort thing."

"Had to be something more than that," insisted James. He was still staring resolutely downward, he and Lily managing to have their entire conversation without making eye contact. "I mean if you, one of my best friends, tried to turn evil right now, I'd never stop trying to get you back. Same for Sirius. Or for Remus or Peter or anyone I care about, really. You don't just give up on people that easily, especially your brother. At least I think so, I don't have a brother, but I assume that I'd have a pretty strong bond with him whether I liked it or not, if I weren't an only child."

"No, you're right there, I assure you," Lily said slowly. "Do you think Sirius'll go to the funeral? I mean, I _know_ we're not supposed to leave this house but I'm sure it's not like that's going to stop him."

"Yeah, seriously, he was out all last night," James ignored Lily's questioning look. "But I don't think he was invited, if there's going to be one at all."

"Why wouldn't there be one?"

"I don't know, it just wasn't in the paper this morning, I looked."

"Was there an obituary? Some kind of death notice?" Lily asked.

James shook his head. "I thought Sirius's mother would be making a huge deal over this, and probably finding some way to humiliate Sirius in the process, but there hasn't been any news. Maybe they haven't found his body yet?"

"Even in Knockturne Alley he'd have been discovered by now," Lily argued. "Or at least he'd be reported missing. Something isn't right!"

Suddenly James stood up. "Come on," he said. "Let's go figure out what."

"Huh?" Lily finally made eye contact with her friend.

"Let's go see what the hell's going on!" James insisted, holding out his hand to pull Lily up. "I say we get out of here, wards or no wards. Let's go to the Alley, Order Headquarters, the office of the Daily Prophet, Sirius's parents' old house if we have to!"

Lily bit her lip. "What do you suppose we'll find at any of those places."

"Who knows, but it beats sitting around here."

Lily sighed. "A day," she said, her voice racked with disbelief. "We barely last a day before we decide to break our words to Dumbledore and go gallivanting off after some ill-conceived idea of solving a mystery that has little if not nothing to do with us."

"I'm sorry, you were expecting something else to occur?"

Lily shook her head. "No, I just thought it would at least be Sirius setting the precedent for such insanity as this."

"Well he did in a way. Like I said, man was out all last night with some whore, came slinking back in the early hours of the morning."

"Huh?" Lily's mouth dropped open.

"Yep," said James, snatching a couple of jackets from by the door. He tossed one to Lily. "You can smell it all over him. Anyway, he's up there now punching inanimate objects, so, the sooner we fix this the better. I don't like to think of him up there equipped with _two_ wands like he is."

"You're right," said Lily, yanking open the front door and ripping some hair out of the zipper by her collar. "He's gonna' hurt himself. Okay, ready?"

James nodded once and came forward to stand right next to her.

"Where to first?"

"To Knockturne Alley? That's where this all went down! …wait, no, let's check Sirius's parents' old house first, that's our best bet!"

"All right," Lily agreed, she nudged James with her elbow. He smiled.

The two of them walked out the door, grabbed hands, and vanished.

* * *

" _Regulus Black!"_ Lily shrieked, pointing. James whipped his head around and stared. Sure enough, having just slunk out of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and now standing frozen on the sidewalk, staring at the two of them in horror, was none other than Sirius Black's sixteen year old brother.

For a moment, there was silence, then—

"Get the fuck over here!" James screamed, jumping forward. Regulus jerked out of his stupor and started running to the side, James in close pursuit. Lily stared in confusion for a moment more, then dashed after the two of them herself.

Regulus had a bit of a headstart, but it was clear that he was injured and soon James was able to catch up to him. He wasn't going down without a fight, however, and when it became apparent that any instant now James was going to reach out and grab him, Regulus came to a dead skid, causing James to crash into him forcefully and the two of them to fall to the ground.

Lily came to a halt beside them.

Regulus's plan had clearly been to slip out of James's grasp in all the confusion and take off running, or in his case _lurching_ , again, but James had a death grip on his arm and hair, and was not letting go.

"You are supposed to be dead!" he grunted.

"Let me go, _let me go,"_ Regulus insisted, thrashing. "I have go, I _need_ to find him."

"What are you talking about?" asked Lily gently. Regulus looked up at her, then he slowly turned back to James, who was busy rearranging himself and Regulus so that they were sitting up. He resolutely wrapped both arms tightly around Regulus's shoulders.

It seemed to dawn on Regulus just who he was talking to, and who was currently restraining him. Suddenly, he stopped trying to escape. Instead, he attempted to turn around in James's arms to face him. Startled, James allowed him to.

"You!" said Regulus loudly, staring James directly in the eyes. "You'll know where he is, this is perfect that I've run into you! You've got to take me with you _now!"_

"What?" James demanded. "What is wrong with you? Did you hit your head on the fall or something? You're acting so weird—"

Lily was catching on quicker. "Of course we'll take you to Sirius, Regulus. Now, you guys, come on, stand up. We're in the middle of London, here. People are staring."

With a bit of effort, she pulled them both to their feet. "Come on," she said. "Let's go now, straight back to the safehouse. Dumbledore's going to kill us as is."

"And he's not going to kill us for bringing a _Death Eater_ past the Fidelus Charm?" James asked.

"No, because Regulus isn't going to _leave,_ so he won't be able to report anything to anyone. Also, he's not a loyal servant anymore, remember? He refused to comply with orders; he's a deserter, James."

James blinked very hard several times.

"Right," he said. "I—just…right. Okay, yeah let's go back. Sirius has some explaining to do."

"Regulus have you ever apparated before?" asked Lily. He nodded his head briefly and so she continued, "good, so this won't be that weird then." She led them both into the shadow of a large building where they would likely not be seen. Lily put a hand to Regulus's face and brushed some stray blood away from beneath his left eye. Then she took a tight grip on his wrist and with a crack, disappeared, leaving James no choice but to take a deep breath, turn on the spot, and follow in kind.

The running and subsequent falling, followed immediately by a rather jarring apparation had taken a toll on Regulus's already injured body. He collapsed to the ground as soon as they arrived back at the house, and Lily had to put an arm around his torso and nearly carry him to the door. James followed behind them, then dashed ahead to open the door for them.

"Sirius, we have a bit of a problem, no, more like an inconsistency going on here, and—!" he started to yell with the intent of drawing Sirius's attention from his bedroom upstairs, but there was no need. Sirius was standing in the entryway, as if he had been waiting for them.

Whatever scene Sirius had been expecting, it had not been that of his little brother being dragged over the threshold by his two best friends who were, in turn, glaring daggers at him. He started to back away a little.

"We, uh, found your brother," explained Lily, her eyes narrowing briefly. With a considerable amount of effort, she dragged Regulus to the sofa and laid him down. "He's in a bit of a state."

"Yes, considering he's dead," deadpanned James.

"Okay," said Sirius slowly. "You've got to understand something…"

"Understand what, Sirius?" Lily flung out her arms and then dropped them back to her sides as she approached her friend. "That you lied to us?"

James raised an eyebrow at the redhead. "Or more importantly, how about the part where you stole your brother's wand and left him for dead after he forfeits his life to save you. Assuming that much was all true, at least, or were you lying about that as well?"

"No," insisted Sirius, backing further into the living room until his back collided with the hearth. "I did run into those Death Eaters in that alleyway, but there was nothing I could do. He was as good as dead, anyway."

"Apparently not," said Lily. Regulus on the couch gave a small moan and started to sit up. None of the other three paid him much attention.

"Sirius," he tried to say, but they all ignored him.

"Just because we are fighting monsters doesn't mean we have to become them, Sirius," Lily growled. "What you did was just cruel. What is wrong with you?"

"Really, Sirius, you've been off for a while now, actually. Something's out of whack with you, and I wish you'd just tell us what it is. We love you man, we'd try to help."

"Sirius," Regulus called feebly again.

"You guys just don't understand."

"At least give us a chance to," Lily demanded, face to face with Sirius now with James just behind her. "We deserve some explanation."

Regulus used the last of his strength to kick the coffee table—hard. Sirius, James, and Lily all turned to stare at him.

"Sirius," he said for the third time, and this time he was heard.

After a moment of silence, Sirius responded coldly, "what?"

Looking at the ground all the while he spoke, Regulus said in a hurried, shaky voice, "it's your friend, Peter Pettigrew. He's one of Voldemort's men, Sirius, I _saw_ him. He's a double agent and I don't think he's in to betray you specifically right now, but that's where it'll go eventually. Voldemort only thinks he's useful because he's in the Order, he's close to you and you're close to Dumbledore. I don't know what you are going to do about it but you need to be careful around him and all of your organization should probably know. I tried to tell you earlier in Knockturn Alley but you left before I could say it. _Please_ believe me, or you're going to get hurt, and I don't want you to because I still love—!"

He stopped and took several deep gasps, rocking back and forth a little. "—you."

Everyone else in the room was stunned. It was James who recovered quickest, and spoke first.

"Why should we believe you?" James demanded.

Lily came back to herself as well. "Oh, James," she said coarsely. "Don't be an idiot. He wouldn't lie about something so easy to disprove. One meeting with Dumbledore and he'd know if Peter was a traitor or not. He's got veritaserum, he has the amazing ability to roll up people's sleeves and look for Dark Marks…really I wonder why we didn't suspect this before. I mean, he is perfect traitor material."

"Lily how can you say that, he's our friend!"

"Shut up, I didn't mean it like that. Of course he's our friend, and of course I still love him, but we need to do something now! If Regulus is right, then we need to try and get him to change back. Hell, he can come hang out here and be safe with us if he wants to, but he cannot let Voldemort exploit his knowledge of the Order!"

James opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then stopped for a moment to think. "All right, you're sorta' right, I guess."

"We need to go to Dumbledore, now!" Lily insisted.

"Lily," James argued. "We've got stuff to figure out here, first!"

"No," said Sirius suddenly. Lily and James turned to look at him. Regulus had long since slumped down onto the couch cushions and closed his eyes. "No, James. Lily is right. Dumbledore needs to know now."

"Well how are we going to tell him? Should we leave again? I can't see him liking that," Lily said.

"He'd forgive us for this," said James, nodding. "Yeah, no, Sirius is right, Lily, you were right to begin with. Someone's got to go to Dumbledore."

There was silence for a minute. Lily fussed with the sleeves of her jacket. "It's Sirius's job to meet up with the Order…" she mumbled.

"Yes. But it might be more prudent if someone who wasn't a direct relation to Regulus related and backed up his story," said James.

Sirius folded his arms. "Then you go, Prongs," he said stiffly.

"Should Regulus go too? Dumbledore's gonna' have questions for him."

"Regulus can hardly _move,_ James. Let alone talk to anyone in a remotely coherent way, he's passed out on the couch for god's sake, it—" she stopped. "Regulus?" she asked, concerned. "Uh-oh."

James walked over and kneeled down next to the unconscious Black. "He's out, all right." He placed a hand on Regulus's forehead. "And he's burning up, wow."

Lily wrung her hands together. "We can't take him to a hospital," she said nervously. "They'll notice his Mark and that'll cause trouble."

"God, okay, let's just think here for a second," said James. He stood back up and ran both hands roughly through his hair. "We need—I need to go to Dumbledore. I'll tell him Regulus is sick and he'll have to wait to talk to him, but…my word should be enough for him, right? Wait, do I tell him the part where Sirius went all second-degree murder on his brother? Or do I leave that out and hope Dumbledore doesn't ask how Regulus came back to life…Dammit, Sirius, why'd you have to tell the whole Order your brother was dead?"

Sirius didn't respond. He was still standing away from the scene a ways, and trying desperately to look in on it with an almost cold detachment.

"Just tell him that a Death Eater has defected to our side and is really, really, sick. As in, he just fell off the sofa and is convulsing in his sleep, 'sick,' so—wait, James grab him before he hurts himself on the coffee table!"

James followed Lily's gaze back to Regulus and gave a small start. Regulus was on the ground shaking and twitching. He was awake again, or at least his eyes were open, and he was coughing painfully, though nothing was coming up.

James grabbed ahold of Regulus's flailing limbs and effectively pinned him to the ground so he couldn't thrash his arms against the wood legs of the table. "Easy," he soothed.

Regulus went limp except for some occasional shivers, and James stood back up.

"Okay, James, you need to go. Really, just go. Tell Dumbledore the truth, that'll be easiest. He'll… he'll probably want to talk to us all at one point," she shot a narrowed look at Sirius. "But we have to tell him about Peter now. But James!" Lily added hastily as James had already started walking to the door. "Make sure to be clear that we want to try and get Peter back. Maybe…maybe the whole Order doesn't need to know. We could just have Dumbledore talk with him, I mean, I'm sure he'd see sense? He's probably just scared. I just—we have to _try."_

"Yeah, no I got it, Lily," said James honestly. He looked briefly to Sirius. "Padfoot?" he asked. "Anything you'd like to…add?"

Sirius had a very uncomfortable, _impatient almost_ , look about him. "No," he quipped. "Just go. Lily, you should go with."

"Huh?" she asked, turning around to face Sirius as well.

"I think you should go with James."

"Now hang on," said Lily fiercely. She started to march up to Sirius, but almost tripped over Regulus's body lying prone on the floor. She righted herself and stepped hastily over him, continuing. "You think I'm just going to leave _you_ alone with your brother? As if you're the person to be fixing him up right now!"

A barely contained look of exasperation radiated from Sirius's eyes. He grabbed Lily by the shoulders and shoved her up to James. "Go with!" he demanded. "You both tracked him down, so you both get to tell the story, okay? _Go._ "

"But Regulus…?"

" _James._ " Sirius glared at his friends. "I know how to take care of my brother. It was my job for years." He walked away from them, approaching the spot where Regulus lay. "Go have your rendezvous with Dumbledore if you can track him down. I'll have Regulus better by the time you get back, seriously."

"But what if—?"

" _Go!"_

Hastily, they left.

Sirius let out a long breath and crouched down over his brother. Regulus opened his eyes blearily and Sirius laughed, again and again. Regulus only stared up at him. When Sirius calmed down a bit, he pulled Regulus up so he was leaning against the sofa. Sirius held him with one had by his hair and with his other he seized Regulus's wrist, gripping tightly.

He shook his head. "Fucking god, I thought they'd never leave."

Regulus stared listlessly at Sirius's chest; his shadowed eyes were unfocused. Sirius's breath skittered over the side of his face. "You got out of that alleyway," he muttered.

When Regulus didn't respond, Sirius gave him a look of mild indignation. He snorted. "You snaked your way out of another catastrophe, then," he leaned closer until he was all but covering Regulus with his own body. "Didn't think you had it in you…"

Then Sirius was kissing his neck with fervor. He pushed harder and harder on Regulus's shoulders until he nearly jarred the couch out of the soft indents its legs had made on the carpet. Regulus leaned slowly to the side, giving Sirius more skin to work with, and Sirius in turn licked and bit his way up to Regulus's jaw.

Sirius's hands struggled blindly to unfasten Regulus's robes, but he was unwilling to stop mauling his brother's face with his mouth long enough to look at what he was doing.

"God," he murmured. "So long…" he finished unclasping Regulus's outer robe and yanked it off harshly. Before his hands could find their way under Regulus's shirt or into his jeans, Sirius stopped himself and placed a hand tentatively over his own lips. They briefly radiated heat.

"Fuck," he moaned. "You really are boiling alive."

Regulus coughed a little, but otherwise didn't say anything. He really hadn't expected Sirius to stop, and it almost frightened him that he had. When had Regulus lost the ability to predict his older brother's actions?

Then Sirius was lifting him up, completely up. Regulus felt his feet leave the ground and found his head resting on Sirius's shoulder. It was awfully comfortable. He wanted to lean closer into Sirius's neck, but he seemed to be losing all his strength. For a second he blacked out…

…and then he was on the floor. A tiled floor. A bathroom? Regulus sat up, his head swimming. He could hear the sound of running water; the bathtub was filling up, and Sirius was rummaging through the cabinets, wand out.

"Drink this," Sirius pressed a capful of something blue to his mouth. It smelled strongly of medicine. Regulus hesitated. "As in _now_ , Regulus," Sirius scolded. Regulus opened his mouth and Sirius emptied the medicine in. Regulus swallowed and shuddered. Sirius was now murmuring something and running his wand over the side of Regulus's face and his arms.

"Shit. Won't work, you're still too hot. I thought it might, but never mind."

Sirius started to pull Regulus's clothing off him. Regulus gave a startled cry.

"What?" Sirius snapped.

"Wh—what are you doing?" Regulus asked.

Sirius growled. He spun around and slapped off the faucet in the tub off so it wouldn't overrun. "I'm sorry, did you want to slowly melt to death, or what?"

"I…it…" Regulus stammered. He kept looking from side to side, as though mapping an escape route. Sirius took him in for a second, biting his lip. Then he reached forward, grabbed Regulus tightly, and finished undressing him.

Lily and James were out. No one else was here. Regulus was partly delusional and might not even remember later. Sirius gave in and stopped fighting the urge that was resurfacing. That feeling so long forgotten that it seemed nearly alien to him now.

"Shush, Reggie," he said softly, helping him into the water. It felt warm to the touch. Regulus had been expecting cold water, this water was lukewarm. That was strange. "I got you," Sirius continued. He kissed Regulus softly on the cheek and temple, cursing how hot he felt. "Let's get you cooled down, have you sleep for a while, and then I can finish fixing you up, make you feel better, okay?"

Gently he ran hands cupped full of tepid water up and down Regulus's back and over his shoulders and head. Regulus wasn't shivering, that was good.

"Sirius?" asked Regulus quietly. Sirius was jerked out of a slight reverie, and found that he had, for the last few minutes, been simply running his fingers down the soft skin of Regulus's chest.

"What, Reggie?"

"Does this mean…do you forgive me, then?"

Sirius leaned over the edge of the bathtub and looked intently at Regulus. "What do you mean? Forgive you for what?" he asked, placing several fingers gently to his brother's forehead. He seemed to be just slightly cooler, though still warm.

"For whatever I did so long ago to make you not want me anymore," Regulus said seriously.

Sirius was contradicted. He knew, in that part of his brain labeled 'honesty,' that nothing had ever been Regulus's fault to begin with. Then adding in on top of that the fact that he had been willing to die for Sirius, and the revelation about Peter Pettigrew, and even if Regulus had been guilty of their long separation he could still be forgiven, as he had more than made up for it. If Sirius were to be honest with himself, he had been miserable without Regulus. It had been years since he had touched his brother; even so much as a hug and he had been slowly going crazy for it yet too stubborn and proud to fix the situation. Part of him demanded to have Regulus completely right now, but it argued with the side of Sirius that just wanted to hold him. He wanted to apologize, to cuddle up with Regulus and make him feel better, to hold him tight and never let go.

There was no way he could tell him that, not if Regulus was so willing to blame himself for everything.

"Be quiet. Stop asking questions and do what I tell you," said Sirius. His voice was emotionless and flat. He decided Regulus was cool enough and yanked him roughly out of the water. Hastily he dried him off, and put him back into his underwear only. Sirius led him down the hallway, half carrying, half dragging, to his own bedroom. Regulus would stay there as long as he was at the house, no one would argue with him.

They stopped by the bed. Sirius stripped down to his boxers and got in. Regulus hesitated, unsure of what was going to happen. His skin was still flushed and damp, and his dark black hair was still wet and clinging to his face.

"Get in, Regulus," said Sirius crossly. Regulus obeyed, but this wasn't right. Regulus was supposed to come to _him,_ he shouldn't have to be ordering him around like this. This whole situation was wrong. Sirius didn't like this shy and skittish behavior. It was fine that Regulus displayed it to most other people, but never to him, never to Sirius.

Regulus pulled the covers up to his chin and said very, very quietly, "Do you love me again, Sirius?"

Since when had he ever needed to ask a question like that? "Idiot," said Sirius angrily. He reached over and grabbed Regulus's wrist tightly, pulling him by his arm. "I told you to be quiet," he brought his other hand down hard on Regulus's forearm, leaving an angry red mark. Regulus flinched but didn't yell out. Sirius wished he had had his wand in bed with him to use. With his wand, one hit would have made Regulus bleed.

Regulus opened his mouth again, very uncharacteristically, and looked as if he were about to launch into an explanation of some sort.

"I swear, Regulus. Quiet. Now come here, and shut up," Sirius wrapped his arms around Regulus's waist and pulled him face first into his chest. "One more word and you're really going to get yourself smacked."

Regulus tensed automatically, but nonetheless kept his mouth closed. He wrapped himself tightly around his brother, arms and legs a tangled mess, and fell to sleep, where he finally didn't have to hurt or be scared anymore, at least for a little while.

**Section lll:**

Regulus fell into routine at their little hideout very easily. Yes at first James had backtracked a ways, and acted extremely wary of the former Death Eater, trying simultaneously to both avoid and keep an eye on him. In the end, it was curiosity that won out, though. Regulus was, quite possibly the most bizarre person James had ever encountered. In a way, he was reminded of Remus; Regulus seemed to spend ample amounts of time curled up with books or sketchpads, but Remus at least had never been so skittish.

He hardly seemed to speak, unless Sirius made him. Whether he was more talkative when alone with his brother, James wasn't sure, but he had to assume so. No one could be that silent constantly.

At first James had attributed Regulus's standoffishness to the kid's shy character, but that view had been destroyed one morning when James ran down the stairs much earlier than he normally would on a day when it was not his turn to cook.

And there Regulus was, arm in arm with Lily who appeared to be showing him how to work the waffle maker. She held his hand with her own and guided his motions, laughing at the amazed look on Regulus's face.

"The green apples will make them delicious, I promise," she said.

"Does Sirius like these?" asked Regulus.

"Yes, he loves them. I'll be sure and tell him that you helped cook for him," Lily said. She leaned sideways to kiss Regulus on the chin.

"Thank you for showing me," said Regulus happily. His blue eyes were positively glowing.

"No problem, sweetie," Lily scratched at the top of Regulus's head, messing his hair. "Although if your lazy ass brother doesn't crawl out of bed soon, he won't get any. We'll just eat them all—oh, hi James."

James had been leaning against the doorframe, mouth hanging open. Since when did Regulus chat it up with anyone? Composing himself, and thinking maybe Regulus was finally just starting to settle in, James sauntered into the room and looked to Regulus for some sort of greeting.

"Morning," he said.

Regulus had backed away and was glaring at the ground. He mumbled something in response and then fled. Lily shrugged.

"You want waffles, James? Someone should set the table."

"What was that?" James asked, pointing emphatically to the corner in which Regulus had previously stood.

Lily watched him gesture and gape. "That was Regulus," she said simply. "Sirius's little brother. Remember?"

"Since when have you two been fast friends?" James demanded.

"Since he got here, why not? He's actually really sweet. I can't believe I went to school with him for years and never really got to know him!"

"No, Lily, focus. Why'd he run out of here like that? What's his problem with me?"

"Well it is a generally agreed upon fact that you are a colossal jerk."

" _Lily_ , I just…what's the matter with him, why'd he freak out? _Regulus!_ " James called. He followed the path Regulus had taken, but he was nowhere to be seen. James crossed his arms and frowned. Lily approached him from behind holding a plate of waffles.

"He's probably in the other room, or waking up Sirius. Leave him be, James, not everyone has to adore you."

She turned around and walked to the dining room table.

"I don't need him to adore me, I just want to know why he fucking loves Sirius—"

"Oh I'm so glad you finally caught on to that, I was dreading having to explain it to you—"

"And acts like you're his long lost sister, but won't even stay in the same _room_ with me!" James grabbed some plates from the cupboard. In his frustration, he almost dropped them.

Lily counted out cutlery from the drawers. "Oh calm yourself, I'm sure he'll get over it. You're not _that_ annoying."

"Thank you, Lily!" James began pouring out drinks. "I appreciate your wit, I really do, but as I was saying…wait, what do you mean you're glad I finally caught on? Caught on to what? What were you not wanting to explain?"

Lily froze, midway through distributing waffles. "Uh…" she set down the plate and fork, then slowly backed into the kitchen again. "You're hearing things," she said. Quickly she turned and dashed into the living room. "I don't know what you're talking about."

James glowered.

It was safe to say at times that James did not like Regulus. Not because of anything Regulus ever did directly, but more because Sirius changed when he was around him, and James was irked by this. He knew it was backwards of him to be angry about the relationship between his best friend and his brother, when really Regulus should be the one angry about _his_ friendship with Sirius, but he just couldn't help it.

He supposed he was a little scared as well. His entire view of Sirius was almost visibly shaking, and all the while he felt like he was on the outside of some strange joke to which Sirius, Regulus, and Lily all appeared to be privy. Lily especially had a tendency to stop in mid-sentence, glance guiltily at Sirius or Regulus, and then, blushing, turn to James and change the subject.

Sirius himself had calmed down considerably. Not just from the high-strung mess he had been the last few days before Regulus's reappearance, but actually in comparison to the last five years or so he was much, much more relaxed. He had always been a perpetual teenager, but now he was behaving positively leisurely. He would sleep well past one in the afternoon, laze back in chairs, and wander around the house in just his boxers.

And then there was Regulus, who seemed to be trying to stymie James at every turn. Other than that first day, when he had demanded to be taken to their safehouse and then told Sirius to warn the Order about Peter, he hadn't willingly spoken in front of James once, a habit James was quickly becoming sick of.

Although eventually, for James at least, things did begin to fall into place. It took him nearly a month to finally work it all out. He was amazed they'd been so discreet before; normally he picked up on these sorts of things, didn't he?

It was very, very early in the morning, not even four yet, and James was only conscious due to an extreme thirst that was burning at his throat. On the way back to his own bedroom, he paused outside Sirius's when he thought he heard Regulus say something. What the hell was he doing up at this hour?

The door wasn't even closed properly and with a small tap, James sent it sliding open soundlessly. He wasn't sure why he did it, and honestly he'd expected Sirius to notice him, maybe give him a quizzical look and ask why he was meandering around another dude's bedroom at three-thirty in the morning.

But Sirius was pretty well occupied, lying directly on top of his brother, and panting hoarsely.

Regulus squirmed around beneath him, rolling over to face him. He asked, almost begged, "Now. Please can I go to sleep _now?"_

Sirius's hand sneaked up to Regulus's throat and squeezed gently but with great threat. "Maybe I want to go again," there was a bizarre falseness to Sirius's voice that James had never heard before.

"I'm so tired, Sirius," so Regulus did understand how to say words, that solved one mystery. Clearly James was the _only_ person in the world that brat wouldn't talk to. James blinked and marveled that during the revelation of his best friend's homosexual, incestuous, pedophilic, and quite possibly violent tendencies, he was still focused so massively on his own ego.

"You're always tired, you fucking invalid," Sirius's voice was bitter, and James was shocked. This was not the way he acted with his brother in front of other people, all sexual contexts aside. He went out of his way to treat Regulus like a disobedient child, true; he constantly slapped, smacked or restrained him when he perceived Regulus's actions as wrong, but it had always seemed to be done with an arc of overbearing love. Despite the initial incident where he had left Regulus for dead in an alleyway, James had, recently at least, gotten the impression that Sirius saw himself as a sort of replacement for Regulus's real parents. This _contempt_ for the teenager did not fit that description. "Mother and Father couldn't even be fucked to make you of decent quality for me, lazy bastards." (And neither did that). James wanted to leave the doorway and slink back to his own bedroom, but found he was, for lack of a better word, almost concerned for Regulus. Sirius's grip on his throat had tightened to the point where Regulus could not even respond to his brother's words. What if he killed him? James fidgeted. Should he do something?

But that would mean ruining Sirius's fun—and he seemed to be having a lot—and what kind of a friend would James be if he did that? James shook his head a little. What was he thinking? Regulus didn't seem too happy right now, did he?

In fact, Regulus was outright struggling to the best of his ability. He clawed at Sirius's hand, trying to dislodge it from his neck, and pushed futilely on Sirius's chest. Sirius only laughed. He released Regulus's throat and both of his hands moved downwards, maneuvering under the blankets. Regulus let out a whimper and covered his face with his hands. James wondered why he didn't call out; surely his new best friend Lily would save him from this? Lily wouldn't hesitate to hex Sirius through the window if she knew this was going on. Hell, she'd probably get a few good punches in before even remembering she was a wizard with a wand.

"What _has_ gotten into you?" demanded Sirius in a rather silky voice. He pried Regulus's hands from his face and leaned down to kiss him. There was no love in the gesture, or was there? "I want this misbehavior to stop."

James wrapped one hand tightly around the doorframe, and he slid to the ground. What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he doing anything? He was honestly disgusted with himself but he just _couldn't_ move…couldn't speak. He could only kneel there, hunkered over and trying to deny the fact that he was going to hell. He was going to burn in hell for the rest of eternity because he was enjoying this, of all things. He was actually turned on by the scene in front of him.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, pressing his forehead into the wall.

But it wasn't long before he'd lifted his head again and was staring at Regulus and Sirius. He couldn't look away, and they still hadn't noticed him. In fact their entire paradigm had shifted again, or at least Regulus appeared to be switching tactics. He was kissing Sirius back now, and tangling his long fingers in Sirius's hair.

"Mmm," he hummed lightly and shifted to give Sirius more room to work.

James blinked. Either Regulus was employing some sort of protection, lying there completely submissive, in the hopes that Sirius would be gentler, or else everything up until then had been for show. Like some sort of demented role play?

James was forced to dismiss his second theory, however, a few moments later. Regulus, rocking back and forth in time with his brother's thrusts, let his head fall to the side. And he stared straight at James. There was no doubt, Regulus knew he was there. Sirius, maybe not so much, but Regulus knew, and had probably known for quite a while. He gave James the most broken look the Gryffindor had ever seen in his life. Glistening tear tracks crisscrossed down his thin face. His sunken eyes bore into James so strongly he could almost feel it, and still he couldn't seem to tear his gaze away from what was happening.

Regulus's face glistened in the night despite the darkness; his mouth was smooth and inviting. Hickeys and bruises on his neck and shoulders mixed together. James let out a soft, almost inaudible groan, then stood up quickly and stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom where he proceeded to stick his finger down his throat several times.

* * *

"Lily!" James yelped. "You knew?"

"Of course I knew!" Lily hissed back, motioning for him to keep his voice down. Regulus and Sirius were still asleep upstairs and it wouldn't do for James's yelling to attract their attention. "I'm not a blind idiot, like you!"

"I just— _Jesus_ how could you not tell me?"

"It wasn't my information to share," Lily insisted. "For god's sake, James, stop pacing and sit the fuck down."

James paused to glare at her where she sat at the dining room table. With a frustrated cry he yanked forward a chair, scraping it harshly on the wood floor as his did so, and threw himself into it.

"What are we going to do?" he demanded, head in his hands.

"What do you mean?" asked Lily very carefully. "And my god, James, lower your voice. Sirius and Reg'll be up any moment and I'd rather they not hear you…"

James looked up at her and glared. "We can't let Sirius continue on doing…this. Can we?" he asked miserably.

Lily bit her lip. "I don't know, I think you're making judgments."

"Judgments?" James whispered angrily. " _I'm_ making judgments? I thought you _liked_ Regulus. He's being abused for crying out loud, why aren't you jumping to his defense? I thought you'd be all over this!"

"Well," said Lily, and she seemed to be choosing her words very carefully. "I think Regulus really loves Sirius."

"Lily!" James ground the words out of his mouth through clenched teeth. "He's hurting him!"

"Yes, but I think separating them might hurt Regulus even more."

"You think emotional pain stacks up evenly with physical pain?" James asked in an amazed tone.

"Maybe, I don't know," Lily looked down at her hands. "Should we talk to them about it?"

"Okay," James reasoned. "Let's just think for a second. Okay? I have an idea. Let's talk to Regulus. Or, well, you'll talk to him and I'll talk at him. He might respond to you. Sirius said he had to report some stuff to Dumbledore today so we'll just have him leave Regulus behind and he can transfer any information Regulus was going to say to the Order for him."

"You think he'll go for that?" asked Lily. "Dumbledore might be pretty keen to see Reg, especially after Peter. I mean, now that he's back with us again, and Regulus is no longer working for Voldemort either, that's two Death Eaters down. He's building quite a rep for himself, in fact, the whole Order might want to see him."

"You have a point. Actually, I'm starting to think that Sirius might be a little more useful to us than his brother. Maybe we should talk to him on his own first, it'd be hard to scare off Regulus, though, he's practically glued to Sirius 24/7."

"You feeling okay, Jamie?" Lily leaned forward in concern.

"Well, actually I feel a little hot now that you mention it, I had a rough night last night, okay? I think I might just go to sleep early tonight…"

"I can do the sleuthing if you want—" Lily cut herself off at the sound of approaching footsteps. Swiftly she stood up. "Sirius! Regulus!"

As per usual, Regulus shied away once he noticed James. He tried his best to act inconspicuous as he dove behind Lily.

"You're up early, mate," James commented from the table. He was way too tired and miserable to bother trying to coax Regulus out from hiding.

"I know, it's not even one o'clock yet…in fact it's barely past noon. You the same Sirius we had before?" Lily laughed.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Regulus," he barked. His brother flinched a little, and then slowly slinked out from behind Lily.

He tilted his head. "Yes?"

Sirius grabbed Regulus by the shoulder and yanked him forward. Without thinking, Regulus pressed his face into Sirius's chest. Sirius laughed smugly. He placed an idle kiss to his brother's cheek.

"Get your jacket, we've got some information to bring to Dumbledore, no?"

_end chapter two._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue. Anne Rice-style.

_start chapter three_

**section l**

Lily returned from the bathroom a few minutes past six, toweling her hair dry and swinging her hips a little to some music only she could hear. She slipped into her pajamas, tossed the towel into the clothes hamper, and jogged downstairs to the living room to get something warm to drink.

At the foot of the stairs she paused. Sirius was back, lounging on the sofa with practiced ease, his brother asleep in his lap. For a minute she just stared at them with interest. Sirius stroked Regulus's back and face in an almost worried manner. He knotted his fingers in Regulus's hair and leaned down briefly to kiss his forehead, softly and sweetly. Regulus didn't move. Sirius sighed and closed his eyes.

"Hey, Sirius, you're back early. James said you might not be coming home tonight at all. How'd the meeting with Dumbledore go?"

Sirius looked up and opened his eyes. "Where is James?"

Lily pointed up the stairs. "Asleep in his room. Still isn't feeling too well." She walked into the kitchen and began rummaging around for a mug. "Do you want anything to drink? I was thinking of making some hot tang."

"Hot? Yeah, I'll have some," Sirius called back to her.

"How about Reggie? I mean, is he asleep or unconscious?"

Lily heard Sirius laugh quietly. She grimaced as she slowly heated the water with a little wandless magic.

"Nah, none for him, he's out cold."

Lily brought two steaming mugs into the living room. She handed one to Sirius and, clutching the other to her chest, sat down in the chair by the fire, facing Sirius.

"Oh my god, what happened?" she asked with worry.

"Well, since you asked, the meeting itself went fine, actually."

"Oh, well, I'm _glad_ ," Lily said slowly. She leaned forward and set her drink on the coffee table. Her brow was knitted with concern. "Your brother had some useful information for the order, then?"

"Yes, actually," answered Sirius. One hand held his mug, the other was again playing with Regulus's hair, tugging at the soft, black strands. "Pretty routine stuff. Names, likely assignments, stuff like that. Some of it was actually kinda' useful." Sirius patted Regulus's forehead. "I'm proud of him, and Dumbledore's ecstatic that we've got him on our side now."

"He's a godsend!" Lily insisted.

"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius. He leaned forward and placed his mug next to Lily's. With his hand no longer on his brother's forehead, Lily could see a strong, dark bruise along the side of Regulus's face, running from his cheekbone to his hairline.

"Hey, what happened to him, Sirius?" Lily leaned forward and pointed at Regulus.

Sirius looked down at his brother's face. He sighed a little, then rearranged himself so he was laying full out on the sofa, Regulus sprawled out next to him.

"We had a bit of a disagreement, actually, Lils."

"Uh, what did he do, Sirius?" asked Lily cautiously. She was thinking she might already have a good idea.

Sirius smirked. "He was just a little cheeky is all. Snarky bastard."

Regulus shuffled around a bit, groaning. Suddenly Sirius seemed to stiffen, and his voice altered ever so slightly.

"I mean, he'll wake up soon, right?" he asked.

Lily got down on the floor and crawled over to the sofa. She kneeled in front of Sirius and his brother, face full of worry. "What do you mean?" she asked quietly. She reached over Sirius's lap and gently took Regulus's head in her hands, examining him as best she could. "How long's he been out?"

She locked her eyes with Sirius's and was pleased to see that he looked a little uncomfortable or _guilty_ maybe.

"I don't know, a while."

"Sirius!"

"I'm sure he'll be fine! He'll wake up any second now, look, he's stirring," Sirius nodded down at Regulus, who was now fidgeting. Lily gently let go of him and he buried his face in Sirius's side, almost on instinct.

Lily rocked back onto her heels. Regulus was blinking a little now. He seemed to be coming out of it. "Sirius you have got to be gentler," Lily insisted. "Really, Sirius, you seriously hurt him."

Regulus was sitting up now, and mumbling a little.

"Lily?" he asked, peering at her through half closed eyes.

"Yeah, honey, it's me. You feeling better? Do you want anything to drink or to eat?"

Regulus was clutching his head in his hands, moaning quietly. "Can I sleep?" he asked.

"Go to my room," Sirius said abruptly. Regulus started and stared at his brother with shocked eyes, as if he had only just noticed Sirius was lying right next to him.

"Go sleep in my room, Regulus. Get up, you're fine."

Regulus skittered off the couch, stumbling a little. He walked slowly up the stairs, one hand holding his stomach, the other massaging his sore head.

"Oh, and Regulus, everything I said still goes," Sirius called after him. A light thump told him Regulus had stumbled on the steps when he heard Sirius yelling to him.

Lily slowly stood up. Sirius thought she was going to leave, but instead she just stood there, staring at him. Sirius looked back at her in confusion. "What?"

"Sit up and slide over, Sirius."

Sirius obliged and Lily sat down next to him. "I was hoping we could talk for a while. I mean, I can make us something more to drink or something to eat and—"

Sirius smiled. "And you're wanting to keep me down here all night so Regulus can be away from me."

"He needs to rest, Sirius. For god's sake, he gets so little sleep as it is!"

Sirius laughed out loud in a manner so reminiscent of a bark that Lily flinched. "Well," he admitted, after calming down. "I guess that's true."

"Sirius, I just don't understand," Lily pleaded, grabbing his wrist with both her hands. "Why are you so different when you're around your brother? You're usually such a nice person. What changes? I mean, this whole dynamic that you have going on with him. Is this all some sick form of revenge on your family?" she shook her head in disbelief. "Did Regulus _ever_ wrong you in _any_ way?"

Sirius seemed to sober up a bit, and dropped his carefree demeanor. "No," he said simply. His face developed a thoughtful expression. "He's always been a sweetheart."

"This is none of my business, I know, but how long have you and your brother been, you know, together?"

Sirius didn't hesitate. "Always," he responded and Lily stood up. She took both their cups into the kitchen. She busied herself making them new drinks, and sifted around through the cupboards for something to eat because this sounded like a story that would take some time.

**section ll**

"You know, I was so jealous at first. When Regulus was born, I just didn't understand why my parents would want another child. It was like, wasn't I enough? I threw a downright fit when Mother tried to hand him to me that night. I screamed that I didn't want it to touch me, that I'd kill it if it got too close. I said Regulus was bloody and ugly. There was some deep, unseated fear that I had. Not so much that I didn't want to share my parents, no, it was more that I feared they were trying to replace me. It's safe to say that I wanted Regulus dead for the first few weeks. I wanted him to simply stop breathing like so many small children do, deteriorate into nothing, and I was prepared to help the process along.

"Calm down, Lily, my parents were monsters. But they did have a few limits. When Regulus was only a few minutes old, like I said, Mother tried to hand him to me. I reached back like I was going to hit him, can you believe that? Not even a day old yet, and I was already smacking him around. I can't remember now if I started to swing or if I just stood there with my hand raised, but either way Father hauled me out of there and introduced me to some, I'd like to think rather misguided, parenting concepts. You know, the old 'I'm hitting you because you need to understand that hitting people is wrong.' Although this didn't really deter me from my previous attitude, and I think I threw more tantrums those first few weeks than the rest of my childhood combined.

"Things went on like that for a while until my father took me aside again, only this time he didn't hit me. Well it might have been because he was holding Regulus in one arm and didn't want to drop him. Although what he said next makes me wonder if he and Mother ever cared about Regulus at all.

"I was only somewhere around four or five at the time, so of course I didn't understand _exactly_ what he meant, but somewhere along the line it must have clicked. It's something I don't remember learning, it's just always been there, embedded in my mind.

"You see, Father said Regulus was _mine._ That alone didn't mean much, of course, _everything_ was mine, and I knew it. I was the heir after all, to the most powerful wizarding pureblood family in the western hemisphere, and probably the world. I was the heir, and had assumed that Regulus was to be, at best, the spare."

"Isn't that what he is though?" asked Lily. "As sick and ridiculous as I think the paradigm is, wasn't he just there for in case you got killed or did something else stupid?"

"No," Sirius responded. "Never. Regulus was mine from the beginning. He was a present, from Mother and Father. They made him for me. That's what Father said. He told me that, ideally, Regulus would have been a girl. He and Mother had planned for a girl with some special potions and such, but they must not have worked. Either way, now we had Regulus. And suddenly he wasn't a threat to me anymore, he was just another present. Another material gain for me.

"Father told me all this and then he handed Regulus to me. He was a few weeks old at this time, and no longer covered in blood, obviously. Now that I was convinced he was basically a new toy which belonged to me, I began to see him in a different light. He was adorable, I decided, with his jet black hair and his bright blue eyes. He had always been so _noisy_ before. It didn't matter if it was Mother, Father, the Healers, or any of my cousins, he would always fret and fuss. On most days, Father couldn't hold him for more than a few seconds before he'd start to scream.

"But with me it was different. And probably my ego didn't need such a boost, but I was the only one he seemed content around. Now that I think about it, it was more that he was already accepting his future. I wanted him to be silent, and so he was. I found I rather enjoyed it when he snuggled up into my chest like he did so often."

"Sirius that's…well sick but also so adorable."

Sirius scoffed. "Yeah and for a while it was. Like I said, to me at the time, my father's words meant that Regulus was my toy, or maybe like a permanent friend. One I could boss around, who would do whatever I wanted, and who could never leave me."

Lily took a deep breath. "That wasn't all he meant, was it?"

"Of course not, Lily, that would have been entirely too decent." Sirius took a brief pause, searching for words. "So we started to grow up a little, and Regulus was treated, well, like he was one of my things. 'Sirius go put Regulus somewhere else,' 'Sirius, come get Regulus,' He was always with me. I'd carry him around with me, or when he was old enough to walk, he'd meander after me on his short little legs. And then when I got bored with him, I'd put him away, like some action figure or storybook.

"Okay so it wasn't so blatant to everyone else. I mean, to some degree it was obvious Regulus wasn't so highly valued by my parents. And by valued, I mean purely because I was the oh-so important family heir. But also my parents had to keep up with appearances, it wasn't as if I was allowed to walk him around with a collar and a leash, which was actually something I begged to do some time when I was eight or nine.

"But then I left for school, and Regulus couldn't come with me. So I left him behind like all the other stuff that wouldn't fit in my trunk. And I met James, who I immediately latched myself onto. I didn't consider James to be a replacement for Regulus, after all, James was my friend, and I saw him as an equal. I guess the same can't be said for Reggie. He was so happy when I came home for Christmas that first year, but I think, and I can't really remember all that well, but I think I talked about James, Remus, and Peter a lot. About how much I missed them. I do remember quite well, however, how heartbroken Regulus seemed that first holiday. It was Christmas and he just couldn't get excited. Isn't that just wrong? A sad kid on Christmas? It was something I didn't think much of at the time, but later it really hit home.

"Regulus had his own bedroom. I know, strange, all things considering. He'd spend most of his time during the day in my room, though, but most nights he was actually quite independent. It wasn't as if he climbed into my bed a lot. Sometimes, sure, because he was always a really cuddly little kid. After I started school, though, I don't think he came to my room willingly one single time.

"Around the time I was in my third year, and Regulus was just under a year away from going to Hogwarts himself, I was starting to see Regulus as more of just a brother. Oh, he was still hopelessly attached to me. Mother and Father made it so. When I was little, I was allowed playdates with other well-bred children, but not Regulus. The only people he had ever met, until he went to school at least, were family members. And only occasionally people beyond Mother, Father, and myself, at that. Now as I said, I had begun to think of Regulus as a very loyal little brother who I could ignore, but who would also always be there when I didn't have my real friends to entertain me."

"And you were okay with being such a douche?"

"Lily, I didn't realize. I mean, I've been thinking these last few hours before I brought Regulus back here. I was worried that I'd really hurt him and it got me thinking about, well, everything that's happened and it's sort of easier now to go back and realize what was going on in my mind back then."

"Regulus was unconscious for more than an _hour?_ "

"Continuing. As I mentioned, Regulus didn't know anything other than me, and based on his actions, I'm beginning to think that he knew a lot more about the real meaning behind my father's words than I did at the time. I can't remember how old I was exactly. It was Third Year, I think, Easter Break and I was home for a few days so I must have been thirteen or maybe fourteen. Reggie was around ten, I believe. I was getting ready for bed, and I do remember distinctly that I felt a bit sad. You see, Regulus was moping because I hadn't been paying attention to him, and I had, as per usual, been harping about how much I wished I were back with James and my friends. Regulus went to bed early because of this and so I was changing and brushing my teeth alone. I remember it felt so strange to be in my house and be bathing alone. Now don't look at me like that, Lily, I told you, it wasn't like that, at least not yet. I would set Regulus in the tub first and wash his hair for him, and laugh at him while he played with the water. Then I would dry him off and he'd slip into his nightclothes while I filled the bath again and got in myself. He wanted so very much to be like me; he'd try his hardest to clean my hair for me and try to act like he was taking care of me. You have to understand, we were always together. But Regulus had sulked off and I was standing in front of the mirror, brushing my teeth alone. I found I didn't like it.

"But that was that. I paused briefly at Regulus's bedroom door, and I knocked lightly on it. This I can remember very well. 'Goodnight, Reggie,' I whispered. And he didn't respond. 'Hey, love you,' I said. And still he didn't answer. Or maybe he did and it was just too soft for me to hear. But that was it, and I let him be. I walked away to my room. Our rooms weren't even on the same floor, you know? Mine was up a flight of stairs from his.

"I didn't go to sleep right away, but I really wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up now, maybe I never would have gotten started, but that's ridiculous, it would have happened eventually. If not that night then some other in the near future. Is it sad that I can recognize that there's so much wrong with me? It's like, if you _know_ you're sick, then stop, but it's not that easy. Anyway, I was up reading some comic books and Father and Mother came in to visit me. Well, Mother only stayed briefly. She left most of these dealings to my father. Not because she was horrified by what was going on, but because she was indifferent, bored almost. But either way, she stayed long enough to stroke my hair and say that I was in for a treat, and that if I didn't go any further wrong, for by that time I was already quite rebellious, I could have so much more. Then she was gone, and Father led me from my room by my hand. We walked down the stairs and up to Regulus's room. Then Father paused for a moment and looked at me with this bizarre smile on his face, as if, no, I can't really think of a way to describe it.

"And so in we went. Regulus was asleep, I remember, or at least he was curled up under the covers with his eyes closed. I was so confused and bewildered that all I did was stand there in the corner of the room. It was all so dark but for the strip of moonlight that lit up a straight line down the center of the bedroom. I tried my best to stand out of it. Father closed the door behind us and he lifted Regulus into a sitting position by the neck of his shirt. My brother's eyes flew open, but instead of looking at Father he automatically turned his gaze on me where I stood in the shadows by his closet, like he knew I'd be there. That…that really freaked me out. The look in his eyes, I guess. I'm not sure there's an emotion to go with that look.

"Father motioned for me to come closer and after some coaxing, I did. He had this strange patience about him that night, not unlike someone teaching their kid how to fly a broom, or to color inside the lines. Only my father was instructing me how to take advantage of my brother, as casual as could be.

"This really strange thrill found its way to me, Lily, and suddenly a whole ton of pieces started a frenzy, and then began connecting in my mind. I knew I was to inherit Grimmauld Place, my family's Main House, when my father died, but until then I would be comfortably shacked up in one of the estates on the continent, or perhaps the southern coast. These were facts. Two other facts were that I was going to be married one day, and that, despite this, Regulus would still live with me. I had thought at first because being separated from my brother seemed such an alien idea, but right about then the truth of the matter was starting to seep into my dense head."

"Your parents were fucking human traffickers, Sirius?"

"What? No, it was only Reg…and they didn't sell him to me, he was a present."

Lily tugged unconsciously at her watchband. "Seriously? _Sick_ fucking—"

"Lily do you want to hear all this or not? We can stop now; it's getting late after all."

"No, no, I'm sorry, Sirius. Um, go on, I guess. This had all just better explain some things."

"What answers, specifically, are you looking for, Lily?" Sirius asked. He didn't seem so uncomfortable with this conversation as she was. However, if she didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't have initiated it, he figured, thinking she must have a real soft spot for Regulus to have brought this topic up just to get him a few moments' peace.

"To be honest, I was hoping to work out why you're so bipolar around him, swinging from overprotective to downright abusive in a matter of minutes. You left him for dead, for god's sake! Although I can kind of see it now, and you were right, it _is_ twisted that you know how wrong you are. I'm not saying I'd be able to fix myself were I in your position, but _wow_ does it seem like, from where I'm sitting at least, that you should be getting some serious help."

"So you get it now, you've unraveled all my mental defenses and psychoanalyzed me into a nice little profiled state, then? Should we just stop here?" Sirius's voice wasn't angry, if anything he was amused and trying to get a rise out of Lily.

"That wasn't my goal, and you know it," she said indignantly. "I just really want to understand, so that maybe I could help you guys."

"Wait, help us how?" Sirius asked slowly, looking incredulously at Lily.

"Well, I would like to see you and Regulus enter a paradigm which does not involve you beating and raping him all the time."

"Who are you to say anything—"

Sirius started to stand up, but Lily leaned forward suddenly to pull him back down onto the couch. "Hang on," she insisted. "I don't mean that I want to keep him away from you… _at all._ Just that maybe we could alter things just a little. I've seen the way he looks at you, Sirius, and I know he loves you like nothing else, but he shouldn't have to forfeit his person to be with you."

"He doesn't forfeit _anything._ He is all he ever was, he is mine," Sirius growled.

"He is a person, Sirius," Lily shot back with equal vehemence. The sickening part of it all was how fascinating she found Sirius at the moment. How could any one person have so many fault lines along the ridges of their mind? How could Sirius admit all these things about how he felt, and why he had done what he had, but then still revert back to that childish mental state? To make such ridiculous claims? Lily was truly amazed that Sirius could manage to tell her that his parents had brainwashed him into thinking of Regulus as an object, and then immediate follow that statement with an assertion that Regulus was, in fact, _his._ "I understand that you very nearly lost him once, in a way, but you don't get to hide him away from the rest of the world, now," she continued.

"We're all hiding, Lily," Sirius griped. There was a lot of undirected anger still in his eyes.

"I know that, idiot, but I mean even so. You can't treat your brother like this, like some sort of slave for your stress relief. What's extra wrong about it is that you actually care for him very much. Granted in a very possessive and demeaning way, but still, you love him enough to know you can't replace him, don't you?"

Sirius fumed, trying to think of something to say.

"Here," said Lily, taking ahold of the bottle of sparkling wine she had brought in from the kitchen and downing a considerable amount without the aid of a wineglass. "Let's just go back to your story, all right? Just, tell me everything and I'll at least feel better. So I think what I've got so far, other than a lot of mixed messages from you, was that your parents decided you needed a toy of your own to keep locked in your spare bedroom in case your future wife ever had a headache."

"Right…" said Sirius slowly. His quick temper had already settled considerably. Lily wondered briefly if that was a trait that also ran in his family. "In the front of my mind, I understood what my father was saying, oh he had started talking to me by the way, ignoring Regulus entirely, but still maintaining a firm grip on him, as if he were going to try to run away. Like I said, consciously, I got that my father was saying that he and mother were, in their own sick way, sort of helping me out. He said that in all likelihood, I wasn't going to wind up married to someone I fancied too much. Choices really were very limited if I wanted anyone remotely near my own age. She had to be from the right family, after all, and this may surprise you, but by that point in time, first cousins were in fact off limits in my family. What I was told, was that I'd have to be with this future wife of mine only once if I wanted, for the sake of an heir, but then that we could just go to living on separate ends of the estate and not speaking to one another unless absolutely necessary. Father seemed overly concerned that I was going to wind up with someone ugly. Inbreeding is hit or miss, you know, you either get people looking like genetic throwbacks to the last ice age, or looking like, well, _me._ I mean, sometimes it doesn't work, but then also sometimes it really, _really_ does.

"And Regulus certainly was the latter. Oh he's got his issues, but they're all internal. There's the fact that his blood doesn't coagulate properly, makes bleeding to death a real risk for him, and then there's his overall mental state. Although I'm not sure how much of his behavior is due to our parents…and me…and how much was already there genetically. I suppose it doesn't much matter. Anyway, Father was expecting me to be really grateful for this insurance that no matter how bloody hideous the girl I had to marry would be, or how horrible she was going to be or whatever, I would never be without my backup plan for relieving sexual frustration. I had my Regulus.

"I think I mentioned a second ago that all this was in the front of my mind. What I meant by that is that this is what I thought I believed, and what I convinced myself of for a very long time. Or at least I thought I had myself fooled. What was on the back of my mind at the time, however, was that after whatever arranged marriage awaited me in the future, I would always have someone to love and who would love me back. Yes I was concerned that I would get landed with some ugly, inbred hag, but at least a small part of my mind was worried for an entirely different reason. I knew I could never truly love someone when we were being forced to be together. I did love Regulus, though, and suddenly I was very happy that I wouldn't have to do without that love."

Lily nodded slowly, her eyes closed. "People don't exactly act on what's locked away in the back of their heads very often, though."

"Well, no. And I guess I'm no different, but you just have to understand, it was exhilarating. That was when I realized that I owned Regulus completely, in any way I could ever want. You've no idea how much of a rush it can be to have so much control.

"Regulus, in keeping with the tradition he'd employed since infancy, didn't want anything to do with Father, and he suddenly started to thrash about, trying to throw off the hand that was still holding him by his shirt. He wasn't trying to escape, or to even get out of his bed, but it was evident that he wanted Father to stop touching him, and to go away. Me, on the other hand, he welcomed. I grabbed Regulus by the shoulders and pulled him further up his bed so there was a little more room between him and our father. As was usual, he stilled immediately. Father saw this as a good thing, I think. Regulus was so insanely loyal to me, even after he had managed to convince himself that I had replaced him with a better brother model, James."

"Yes, he did _all_ the work convincing himself of that…"

"Shush, Lily, I'm not a psychologist now and I certainly wasn't when I was fourteen. I didn't get that he felt so abandoned, and I'm not sure how much I would have cared even if I had. It wasn't like he could leave me, after all.

"The next few minutes were insanely tense. If I sit and think about it, there was probably some settling on Reg's part, for the lesser of two evils, I mean. I'm pretty sure he didn't want either one of us near him just then; remember, he was sore at me for being so distant with him and I don't think he felt the revenge he got on me by keeping hidden from me had quite been enough yet. On the other hand, he despised Father, and he always had. I think he was scared of him, or scared that he couldn't predict him, maybe. Me, on the other hand, he knew inside and out. He couldn't be alone like he so desperately wanted, but he still vastly preferred my company to our father's. So he grabbed me by the arm and gave a desperate tug so that I tumbled onto the bed in between him and Father.

"I can't remember what I thought he'd done that for at the time, but now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense that I was a sort of shield for him.

"And that's when the anxiety really started to pick up. Father kind of, laughed I think. You see, by this point I was lying nearly on top of Regulus, and our father said something along the lines of how I didn't need to get so close, that that kind of intimacy wasn't necessary. I could just take what I wanted, you see, so why didn't I? I don't think Father understood that I cared, however minimally, for Regulus's feelings. I was leaning even closer and letting my breath ghost over Regulus's neck and cheek when he started to shiver and then closed his eyes.

"I noticed about then something I'd never really taken into consideration before. You must have realized now that he isn't all cut up and bleeding anymore like he was when he first came here, that Regulus is a very attractive person?"

"Of course," Lily said immediately. "He looks a lot like you, only smaller. He is _insanely_ handsome, especially—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Lily, I'm glad you see it too. Anyway, it was something I'd never really thought about before, he was my brother and I was just so used to seeing him that I'd never really thought of what he looked like from the outside, but he was gorgeous in such a way I'd never considered. He'd never really had baby fat much past the age of two or so, he was more emaciated if anything, but it only made him more good looking. It was almost like looking into some sort of funhouse mirror. He had the exact same eyes as I did, this very pale but very, _very_ bright blue, almost grey, and our faces were different only by millimeters. Where I knew my cheekbones sloped gently his were only just a little more abrupt, his eyebrows only slightly higher up. While I was lying so close, I let our noses touch on accident or maybe on purpose. We'd both inherited, somehow, an almost Arabic shape of nose, the perfect size and oh-so very straight. His was just a little lower than mine, though, closer to his mouth. We had the same horrendously pale skin, completely unblemished although I at the time would have insisted there was stray fuzz on my chin. It was as though we both wore identical skin suits over our bones and muscles, except that Regulus, pale as he was, tanned ever so lightly in comparison to me. Regulus had a single freckle, though, something I'd never noticed before, on the skin near his ear, and several more surrounding the irises of his eyes. Sort of lentigines, I guess, very tiny, very light brown, almost invisible but there were six or seven of them, I counted. I can't say now if my eyes had them then or not, I'd never looked.

"I found I couldn't stop staring at him. Suddenly any fiancée on the planet was going to look hideous next to him. I started thinking maybe _she_ should be the one in the closet, and Regulus the person I showed off to the world. I ran a hand down his arm, noting that it was rather long, his legs were, too, for a kid, I mean. He was going to come into that gangly phase early; a good thing actually, as it meant that he would be absolutely perfect and proportionate in only a few years. His teeth were another thing: small, white, perfectly shaped. I caught a glimpse of them briefly when he parted his lips for just the slightest of seconds. He had all his adult teeth by that time, well, excluding wisdom teeth of course, which wouldn't come in for several years and which he would have removed anyway. I remembered, though, back to when he'd had a full set of baby teeth and I'd always teased him about how there were these unnecessary little gaps between each tooth. I could almost have laughed at myself just then because Regulus's teeth were straight as anything, that extra space proving to be an advantage, and there I was, perfect teeth the result of nearly ten different, and painful, dental spells.

"But for the most part, Regulus's mouth remained firmly closed, and he was no longer staring at me. In fact, he had resolutely closed his eyes. I had almost forgotten Father was in the room with us until he stood up from the large bed and stood next to it, blocking all the moonlight from our bodies, casting us deeper into shadow.

"'Sirius,' he said patiently. 'You do realize such closeness is unnecessary.'

"I turned my head to face him immediately and practically growled something along the lines of 'he is _mine_ isn't he? Then I'll do this however I want!' Had I said it to defend my comparatively kind actions towards Regulus, or simply to rebel in another way against an authority figure? I don't know, but I turned back to Regulus, took his face in both my hands and kissed him hard on the corner of his mouth, his chin, the soft space just below his eye…everywhere. Then I worked my way down to his neck, and I wasn't exactly slow either, the bed was shaking a little even from my sudden movements.

"It wasn't altogether that alien of a feeling. I had, after all, kissed my brother before, all over his face and neck. I had not, however, ever licked or bitten him as I started doing just then, when normal kissing suddenly wasn't enough. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear my father chuckling, could almost _hear_ him shaking his head.

"I ran my fingers all through my brother's hair and found it to be so very soft. How had I washed and conditioned that same hair so many hundreds of times and never noticed before? Suddenly another feeling was creeping into my gut. It was worry. Regulus was going to be going to school soon. In one way this was good, he'd be where I was, I could once again take him with me, something I hadn't realized I missed until just that night. On the flip side, though, there were other people at Hogwarts. All kinds of people; girls, boys, a whole student body comprised of people who would soon see my brother. And I found that I didn't want them to. It was then that I felt a rush of insecurity. Regulus idolized me, yes, but he had never met anyone else. What if he got to school and found he fancied some girl? Or someone simply took him away from me, whether he wanted to go or not?

"I think that was one paranoid insecurity I could never quite get over. Fuck if I wasn't going to try, though. Immediately I thought that I should convince Regulus once and for all that he was mine and could only be mine, just like Father and Mother said. My kisses got harder, faster, and I let my hands have free reign; they moved up and down his neck and face, under his night shirt where I could feel the faint beginnings of noticeable abdominal muscles, all over his waist and legs. I remember his skin was cool at first, but as he got more and more frantic it started to heat up. He didn't thrash, yell, or flinch, but the shameful fear and heat radiating off him told me he was close to some sort of nervous breakdown.

"Father finally grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off of him. I remember he actually asked me if I was ready, if I was hard. It would have been that kind of awkward absurdity that's almost laughable if I hadn't been so affronted that he assumed that _that_ was my reasoning for attacking Regulus's small body with such a lengthy onslaught of kisses and touches."

There was silence for a moment. Then Lily whispered quietly, "Well, I guess in your own sort of… twisted way, you were wanting Regulus to feel maybe like he wasn't being so used. That you really did love him. A sick parody of love but still…"

"That might have been it, yeah. Anyway, suffice it to say that my first sexual encounter with another person was closely supervised and aided by my father," there was an amazed tone to Sirius's voice, like voicing such a thing aloud was the final step to confirming it as a real event.

"Right," Lily muttered. "Hellishly awkward. Did he rip Regulus's clothing off for you too?"

"We never took off Reggie's clothes that night," Sirius said immediately.

"If he still had his pajamas on then how did you…"

Sirius pointed to his mouth and Lily looked away, blinking furiously. "Right," she said. "I guess, actually, I want to say that that's a little better, maybe. Certainly gentler than what I was thinking was coming up."

"Lily, this was seven years ago. I didn't have much more than the first clue about how to have sex with women, I surely wasn't in the know on what to do with another boy. Father was, though, and he knew that even if he helped it wouldn't have been feasible. Regulus was so small, I would have seriously injured him, perhaps permanently, and Regulus _did_ need to last a long time. Think of that first night, and most which followed immediately after, as warm up."

Lily had many questions bouncing around in her head, each more inappropriate than the last, but by this time, she figured, just about anything was fair game. "How long before you did _take_ him, take him, though. I mean, I'm assuming you have."

Sirius smiled fondly and leaned back to stare at the ceiling. "Yeah, a year or two later. He was, about twelve, I think. I was somewhere around fifteen or going on sixteen, I can't recall for sure. It…wasn't a very good night. My mother was there for that one. Seemed her boredom had come full circle and now what had previously rendered her apathetic was the most interesting thing in the house. Woman needed to get out more.

"But back to that first night, if you want to go back there. I was unfamiliar with the whole set up, save for the part where Regulus was completely submissive to me. I think I had him sitting up against the massive headboard his old bed used to have, and I was sitting in front of him. By the time I'd clued in on just what, exactly, my Father expected me to do and, I think, _enjoy,_ I was more than ready to take full command. I really didn't want my father helping me anymore. I knew if I just sat there any longer, he'd come even closer to us than he already was and probably undo my pants himself. Not exactly what I wanted. So basically, I was on it. I had a death grip on Regulus's hair the whole time, I had to keep forcing his head back down, you see. He wasn't exactly too thrilled with the situation, I could tell, but what was he going to do? He never said no, though, I mean, never out loud. Perhaps he should have, it would have made the whole thing harder for me to accept. I was already on the fence about deciding if Regulus was all possession or if there was a little bit of person in him too. Screaming, cursing, begging, fighting, any of those things might have pushed the scale in favor of 'human.'

"You're a girl, so I suppose you can't really appreciate how I was feeling, but I'll leave it at amazing. Regulus managed to swipe my mind blank for a while there. I wasn't thinking about anything other than how this could be mine whenever I wanted it, wherever I wanted it, forever. I even forgot about Father, or at least I must have, I was being so loud. I don't think I would have been okay making those noises, or saying any of what I said if I had remembered he was there. He really did make the whole situation awkward, but I think he felt it needed to be done. He told me later that he had noticed Regulus slept almost always in his own room, instead of visiting me during the nights. In other words, it had been originally assumed that Regulus and I would have reached this situation on our own by then, but since we hadn't, and had remained simply brothers, something had to be done, and Father became the necessary catalyst."

"'Simply brothers'?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "You think normal brothers treat their younger sibling the way you did Regulus, even before all…all of everything else started? I mean, the controlling demeanor."

"My point, Lily, was that Father was almost annoyed with me that I hadn't taken it upon myself to experiment at all with Regulus yet. He had clearly assumed that I understood just to what extent my rights over him reached."

"The rights you think you have," Lily reminded him.

Sirius shook his head a little, but otherwise ignored her comment. "I came down from my high faster than I would have liked, and I immediately collapsed onto my brother. It never occurred to me that night to ask if Regulus wanted anything. I don't think he was ever erect at any point, actually, I don't know if he even could get it up then, he was only ten, and a majorly isolated child at that."

"Or maybe having someone's cock rammed down your throat just isn't so much of a turn on as you'd think it would be, Sirius," Lily said with sarcasm.

"Be that as it may," said Sirius through gritted teeth. Lily reached absent-mindedly for her drink again. "That night could have ended much better than it did. Now, I was ecstatic at first, and slowly the room was coming back into focus. That's when I noticed Regulus was coughing and sputtering. 'Hold his mouth closed,' my father insisted from where he stood by the bed, and I reached up quickly to do just that. I don't know if I was just blindly following Father's authority, or if I'd actually had the mental state necessary at the time to realize that if I didn't do it, he would, and that Regulus would freak if Father touched him at that point. I grabbed ahold of Regulus's lower jaw and I pushed firmly upward, trying to get him to swallow, I guess, but that's really hard to do to someone who's coughing, and Regulus's throat was convulsing in this awful way. I was afraid suddenly that he couldn't breathe and so I let go of him and tried to sit us both up.

"'He's not going to choke, Sirius, he'll be fine,' Father said lazily. 'Don't let him get away with this, even once.' I wondered briefly why it mattered so much to Father that Regulus swallow after I'd come down his throat, but I suppose it was some kind of control thing he was trying to teach me. Either way, he held Regulus's mouth closed tightly himself and then hit him square in the neck. He made this sort of gagging noise and I think most of it went down into his lungs, because he started coughing again like crazy as soon as Father released him, but nothing was coming out of his mouth.

"It took a minute for Regulus to start breathing normally again, by which time I had begun to feel quite bad for him. Some semblance of the big brother instinct was kicking in and I felt the sudden urge to comfort him. So, after redoing my pants and everything, I propped myself up on one elbow and pulled Regulus up into my chest. I wiped away the faint tears that were leaving those eyes so similar to my own that it was like seeing my reflection. 'Shush, quiet now. It's okay, you're okay,' I said by way of comfort, even though he was being perfectly silent.

"It was when I leaned forward just a little to kiss the top of his head when Father finally snapped out of some reverie he must have been in. 'Get out,' he insisted, dragging me from the bed and my brother. 'Don't _stay_!' he exclaimed, like it was the most obvious thing. I guess he didn't want me to stay with Regulus and comfort him. Maybe he thought it was best I learn to discard Regulus afterwards like a cheap whore. It's one lesson of his that's stuck with me quite well, but that night it hurt me. I was upset, and came close to hitting the man as he dragged me by my wrist out the door, leaving Reggie behind. That night he locked me in my bedroom until morning, as if he were afraid I would sneak out after he had gone to sleep and see my brother. He could have just as easily locked Regulus's door, but I guess he wanted to drive home the point that _I_ wasn't coming back for _him._ "

"Not coming back for your brother," said Lily as soon as Sirius paused his speech to draw breath. "That seems to be something you're very good at."

"We'll get to that point, Lily, we'll get to it."

"Yeah, I suppose we will…"

"I guess it would be best if I just skip ahead a little ways. Not much else interesting happened the rest of that term, it was all very tense, though. But then that fall, Regulus got his letter and I think our parents were actually a little surprised. You see, they didn't know that Regulus had any magical propensities at all. In a way, I think they might have been hoping that he turn out to be a squib. Then they could justifiably disown him and no one would question where he'd disappeared to when I refused to let him leave my house."

"Yeah, or your fucking cellar."

" _Lily!_ Gods, anyway, they didn't know, but I did. I'd just never told them, I guess I never saw the reason to. I knew, however, that Regulus was quite magical, even when he was very small. When it snowed, and I would go outside to play, Regulus would follow me. I remember one time; I was messing with him, telling him to give me things like his hat or his gloves, and finally his coat and his shoes as well. I didn't need them, really, I just wanted to _take_ them. But soon he was standing barefoot and shirtless in the freezing cold, and the snowflakes weren't even melting when they hit him. All he had left were his pants, but before I could ask for those, I had already become bored and wished to play another game.

"I kicked snow all over his fallen articles of clothing so they'd be freezing if he tried to put them back on, which he didn't. I remember I decided I wanted to be a reindeer, and set off looking for sticks to pretend were my prongs. Regulus disappeared down the street. I didn't bother to really keep track of him.

"But then he came back, and he was walking through the snow, barely any clothes at all, but he wasn't shivering or anything. Somehow he was keeping himself perfectly warm, yet his skin was frozen over. It was like he had gone into some sort of conscious hibernation, like a snake almost.

"Then I noticed in his arms were multiple sets of antlers. He held them out to me and he had this sweet smile on his face. Now I know for a fact that one is not likely to find very many wild animals of the cervidae variety wandering the semi-crowded streets of holiday London. So where else could he have gotten them? He created them himself, I'm sure, or more likely he went looking for them and summoned them without realizing it, thinking that he had found them along an alley or something."

"What did you do?" asked Lily.

"Well they weren't actually reindeer antlers, I don't think Reggie knew the difference between the different types of deer. Anyway, I think I yelled something about not wanting to be a lame mule deer before knocking them out of his hands, pushing him into the street and running back to the house, already wanting hot chocolate from Mother.

"Lily, honestly, save your breath. If you want me to get up to present day, there are going to be a lot more important incidents that will demand your attention, I'm sure. Now where were we timeline-wise?"

Lily sighed in resignation. "Regulus got his letter. You said he was very magical, but your parents were surprised."

"Oh, right," said Sirius, nodding. He stretched out and put his hands behind his head. "Right…

"So here's the thing. That little episode I mentioned with the cold and the antlers, that was just one of many, Regulus was always spouting off little bursts of magic when he was around me. I don't know why he was always so controlled when Mother, Father, or other relatives were around. I remember they used to make fun of him, right to his face, about not being so magical as I. He had control over his talents, too, they weren't just random accidents like mine had been before school, so he easily could have proven them wrong. I think he liked to just stay out of the limelight. He enjoyed going unnoticed.

"But I digress. Back to the Hogwarts letter. Mother and Father bought Regulus all the supplies he would need; wand, robes, books, just like any other parent would. The two trips to Diagon Alley that I made with Regulus were very strange, and kind of pleasant days, really. My parents are insane, Lily. They are racist, bigoted, cruel, uncaring, unloving, and sadistic…but they are not socially retarded. They knew times had changed. It was the seventies now and their worldviews and practices that had survived for so long in the core of my family were no longer publicly accepted. They doted on me in public, much, much more than the mediocre amount—for I always thought I was not receiving enough attention—they bestowed upon me at home, and Regulus was treated with a sort of detachment that people always wanted to assume was a mask of propriety hiding an inner collection of love and cherishment. People would think to themselves, I just know they would, _'look at the cold glare on Orion's face, so cruel. But he DOES have a hand on his youngest son's shoulder. He must, he simply MUST really love that child. He is just being a man, a pureblood man, just keeping up with appearances.'_

"You know, those sorts of assumptions. From the view of an outsider, you'd never think our home was so horrifically unbalanced. We looked like any normal aristocratic family of our caliber. Sure it was obvious I was favored over Regulus, but I _was_ the heir. Regulus was still _loved,_ though, just in a different way. This is what people think they see. This is what people tell themselves, and they don't bother to look any closer."

"Someone should have," griped Lily.

"Did you ever?" Sirius asked. "You saw Regulus at Hogwarts more than I did the last two years James and I were there, remember you had to keep coming back to do those Further Education speeches? He must have attended every one. Did you ever think he'd been through so much?"

"No, I suppose not," admitted Lily, her eyes unusually shiny. "But I had already become biased against him because of everything you'd ever said!"

"The same way the rest of the wizarding world has always thought of the Blacks," said Sirius simply.

"You and James, you two…but especially _you_ , you were always going on about how he was a spoiled little racist brat. Poor, poor you, what with him being your parents' favorite because he had no mind of his own and would become whatever they wanted—!"

"That last part, I'll have you know, is halfway true," Sirius pointed at Lily while he spoke. "Just replace 'parents' with my name and you'll be spot on with that 'doing whatever they want part.' Only I'm not so sure about him not having his own mind. Regulus does, really, he is a very independent person. If he weren't, then he would never have survived all those years without me."

"Oh," said Lily in a high-pitched voice. "So when you ditched him all those years ago, what were you expecting would happen to him, exactly? Did you think he was gonna' just drop _dead?_ That your parents would get rid of him? …Or did they finally clue in that their second son was capable of inheriting their name with you A.W.O.L.?"

"Slow down, dude," said Sirius in a calm voice. "Let's just get there naturally. You don't want me to skip anything, really, or things aren't going to make sense."

"You mean up until now they _have?_ "

"Ha, ha. So let's just continue," Sirius took a huge drink from Lily's wine bottle. "Regulus and school supplies, right. Well, as you can imagine, things were almost awkward between me and my brother. I say almost because two people as close as we were really can't reach such a state as 'awkward,' but damn, did we come close. I hadn't stopped, er, better acquainting myself with him, you see. If anything, there was a small grace period of around two months (the time from Easter Break to summer, when I was back at school) where I had nothing to do with him. When I got back for the summer vacation, however, it was game on."

Lily groaned, and threw her head forward into her hands. Sirius kept talking.

"There were many, many nights like that first one, and over the course of that first June since that fateful Easter, Regulus developed a sort of sixth sense concerning my moods. He was like some sort of wild animal, I swear, like when they all disappear before an earthquake? Only Regulus couldn't disappear, only resign himself. Well, no that's a lie; he tried avoiding me a few times. I remember one day in particular. It was very late, well past midnight and we had been up all night at a family soiree my parents had hosted. Now when the house was finally quiet again, we were taking our baths. We always bathed at home, we never showered."

"Wait, hang on, have we backtracked a bit?" asked Lily, confused. "Is this the summer _before_ Regulus started school?"

"Yes, sorry, we've gone back a few months from his letter arriving. Anyway, I was moving the soapy body scrub up and down his chest and across his clavicle, leaning far over the side of the tub and keeping my hold of him with my other arm wrapped around his shoulders. Then I paused for a second, let my hand slip under the water to press the scrub hard up against his abdomen, and I started kissing him on the neck, right below his jaw.

"The important thing here was not that I was kissing him, no, I did that all the time, for as long as I can remember. I'd never adhered to the rule that one can only kiss family members on the cheek. So the idea to take away was that Regulus could tell the difference. Recall that he was only eleven, but that he could tell from a few simple kisses—which were physically the same as any other number of bouts of affection he'd received from me—if I was planning on demanding something in return or not.

"This was a talent he would later be able to apply to my diction, tone of voice, body stance, and any number of other small things about which most people didn't think twice. That night, or I guess it was more like early morning by then, he managed to throw me completely off guard. He was testing waters, I think, seeing how much misbehavior he could get away with. This incident, especially, is what makes me so sure that he did have a mind of his own. He had _more_ than his share of 'mind.'

"So what happened was this. The little fucker tricked me. See, he started kissing me back. He reached one warm arm up and wrapped it around my neck, and then repositioned himself so that we were face to face, although he made sure he was lower down and looking up at me. He nuzzled his face into my neck, mindful not to get my clothing too wet, and then twisted his head around so he could start kissing my jaw.

"I was dumbstruck, to say the least. I hadn't expected that. Ever since that first time, I had just sort of assumed that these little trysts were for my benefit. I had never imagined that Regulus might find some pleasure in them too, and of course it went right to my head. I couldn't even seem to move. Regulus gripped the wrist of the hand I had been washing him with and slowly pushed it further and further down. Then suddenly I was gripping him tightly by the shoulders with both hands and almost falling into the water with him, I was kissing him so frantically.

"I tried desperately to regain some control over myself, and I laughed lightly at him, and said something like, 'Impatient Reggie, greedy Reggie, _my_ Reggie,' and with as much self-control as I could work up, I broke it off. I stroked the side of his face lightly and said he'd have to wait a while, because I hadn't had my bath yet. So I pulled him out of the water and into a towel, all the while finding more and more excuses to touch him, to have my skin make contact with his. I think it caused me actual heartwrench to pull myself away from him and refill the tub. I slid into the water as he got dressed and then closed my eyes in contentment. I was expecting any second now that he would return my ministrations, as he always had, barring that one night the previous Easter.

"I was frowning a little, and wondering what was keeping him. I opened my eyes and my brother was gone. Out of the room. Nowhere in sight. 'Regulus?' I called incredulously. Why on earth would he leave, and where would he even go?"

"Clever little kid," Lily smiled fondly. Sirius shook his head, his attitude towards Lily's newfound affection for his brother shifting between amusement and anger.

"Anyway, my first guess was his bedroom, or maybe mine, but he wasn't in either. He'd had a headstart on me, too, as I had had to dry off and dress. Quietly I crept up and down flights of stairs, looking in each room, and being as silent as I could because my parents were sleeping. I searched for quite a while, and since I do not—and did not then—like to be kept waiting, I soon grew tired of Reggie's little game. I was angry, offended, and felt like I had been hoodwinked."

"You _had,_ " Lily pointed out. Sirius ground his teeth.

"He was in the attic," he continued. "A really large room, almost an entire other floor complete with carpets, chairs and windows, underneath one of which I found my brother sitting. He hadn't bothered to hide within the room; I think he had figured that if I was going to come all the way up to the attic that I would have looked thoroughly enough to find him once I was there.

"And there he was, cross legged under the window, waning moonlight spilling through the panes and casting his shadow on the floor, right over the ancient, threaded throwrug. He had one elbow balanced on his knee, and his chin resting in that hand. He looked up at me slowly as I rose from the attic floor, stepping up the final rungs of that pull-down ladder that we used to have."

Sirius paused for a second. "He looked so small," he said, and Lily made no comment, merely stared at Sirius through the corner of her eye, as though she wished not to see him directly.

"I walked over to him and he sighed a little, admitting defeat. I made to reach down and seize him by the arm, but I found that he had already extended a hand to mine, and was looking resolutely at the floor. I grabbed him by the forearm and that was the last time he ever tried to actually run and _hide_ from me."

A cold air was lightly blowing from somewhere, Lily was sure. Sirius's words were making her skin crawl; little needles were pricking her nose as she breathed. For the first time since she could remember, she was almost afraid to be in the same room as her friend.

Sirius, for his part, was leaning back again, though he was no longer lounging. His hands were folded in his lap.

"I'd never been rough with him before. Mentally...emotionally, maybe but never rough physically. I'm not so sure it was kindness, but more that the thought had just never crossed my mind. I'd never seen a reason to hurt him; it seemed an unnecessary expense of effort on my part. That night was different though. Actually, it was far into the early morning by the time I'd finally found him. It must have been three or four o'clock when we returned from the attic. I hadn't even had to make him go down the ladder. I'd simply stopped by the trapdoor and released him. He was so, I don't know, _broken,_ that he just climbed down it, quite steadily really, and then stood in the hallway, waiting for me. I closed up the attic entrance before grabbing him again, although that was probably unneeded. He wasn't going anywhere. Then I dragged him across the house and down the stairs to my own bedroom.

"It's a very, _very_ good thing that I had not yet fucked him. Had I the knowledge and habits that I would gain the next summer, I could have done irreparable damage. I would have killed him. I was so…

"Angry.

"But certainly around that time I began to think about it. Sexual education is not something that happens gradually, it is a very abrupt thing. At least it was for me. After that first encounter on that Easter night, it set the ball in motion and by the time I came home that summer I had discovered an amount of sexual technique and theory truly disproportionate to the amount of time that had passed. That night was like the apex of my understanding. Suddenly, I knew that there was more. Just a bit more, actually. Just one single other step to take before I had complete domination of Regulus. I wanted whatever it was that night. I wanted to know it then, to put it to use, to destroy that evil spirit in his brain that had taken hold of _my_ Regulus and persuaded him to reject me. To _trick_ me.

"Things got a little weird that night. If you remember I mentioned he'd cried a little the first time Father brought me to him. Well if that was his reaction to something terrifying and wrong, then what I inflicted upon him then must have been nearly unbearable.

"He wasn't loud, he was never loud. Regulus has really only ever had two volumes: soft, and silent. It usually took great coaxing to get him to speak at all, even from me. I don't think you can appreciate what a chatterbox he's become since you've re-met him. Even if he does seem quiet and softspoken to you now, it is nothing compared to how he was before. So no, he was immensely quiet, but the tears came.

"It might surprise you now, but I wasn't very experienced with genuine physical violence then. There were the scuffles at school, mainly with Snivellus, yes, but those were magical confrontations. I had been slapped and backhanded by Father a number of times, but they were never more than small, stinging reminders. The worst I'd ever gotten was that night I'd tried to hit newborn Regulus, and I'd gotten over that thirty seconds after it happened. That meant that, once again, I was in new territory.

"There was actually less hitting than you might imagine. This is another night with my brother that is engrained very precisely in my memory. I didn't really strike him all that much, I didn't need to. I found something better.

"In my confusion on how to go about punishing an unruly…"

"The word you're looking for is _slave,_ " Lily hissed.

"Yes, well, I was confused as to what to do. I'd gotten him into my bedroom, and he gave the briefest of struggles at the door. He leaned back ever so slightly like he might try to pull from my grip, but by the time I looked back at him, he was already resolutely by my side again, even pressing up against me a little, trying to hide his face in my side because he had to be scared. See, he was scared of _me,_ and what I was going to do to him, but at the same time he was wanting _me_ to protect him. It was all very messed up.

"So I pushed him up onto my bed. My bed is rather high, too, nearly four feet off the ground, fitting for royalty, I presume, and so he had to clamber a little. I myself used my desk chair as an easy stepping tool, like I did every night. It was important especially now, I needed to appear graceful and confident.

"And so I slid on top of him. This time, I knew all his shirt and clothes had to go. He didn't deserve them. Now, my bed is nestled in the corner of my room, and at that time had a lot of pillows lining the wallside, the head, even the foot of the bed. There were a lot of robes and shirts and other assorted clothing on my bed as well, it was cozy for me, almost. I liked sleeping with tall walls of cloth and fluff surrounding me. I could almost burrow in, as it were. Now I pushed Regulus back into the very corner of my bed, deep into the mattress and all my things around him matched the darkness of the room, it was like I was holding him under a blackness that was like water. Slowly, I was making him suffocate. Not actually, of course, I didn't yet have a grip on his throat, but Regulus hates small spaces, he's terrified of enclosed areas, and I was holding him down.

"And other than our baths together, during which much was covered by towels or bubble bath, I had never really seen Regulus naked all that often, like I said, it hadn't really been necessary before then. But now, now I couldn't help but just stare at him, and I know he was gorgeous even for a preadolescent kid. It's that incestuous game of Yahtzee again, and it just so happened that Regulus's genes had lined up on dice reading six, six, six, six, and six. He was perfect, almost feminine, but again not too much. He didn't have those hips that girls do, I mean, from shoulders to hips he was shaped wide to narrow like a funnel, not an hourglass. He was the poster child for handsome, yet effeminate boys. Again, I felt a stab of worry. Regulus was _that_ kind of good-looking, you could see what you wanted. Look closely and he's so beautiful that it doesn't matter if you're straight, he's prettier than any girl. Look even closer, though, and you can see he has a guy's shoulders, and hard, if not all that large, muscles; girls would love him. Once again I worried what would happen when he went to boarding school.

"I know I did a lot of pushing. I pushed my hands deep into the spaces between his ribs, slowly, but forcefully, until he was gasping and pressing the side of his face to the comforter. I pushed myself down on him, and was rueful that I was wearing soft pajamas instead of something with a button or a zipper, something that would cut him. I pushed so hard on his shoulders that eventually the mattress was stretched far enough it became hard, and I heard his spine pop against it.

"He kept tilting his head up, like he couldn't get any air from where he lay so far buried in the mattress, the blankets, the clothes and the pillows.

"And I came so close to doing it, so close to jumping that final step and forcing my whole self inside of him, but I just couldn't seem to get it all together. As I said, I came so very close. I pushed him onto his side, face against the pillows lined up on the wall, and laid myself on top of him completely. I'm not sure he could breathe at that point, but I didn't care, and when he started trying weakly to buck me off of him, to push me off of him, I started thinking how much easier it would be if he would just _stop moving._

"I got so far as two fingers, slick with sweat but otherwise dry, a ways past the second knuckle. Here was the one time Regulus ever misjudged me. He thought, I'm _sure_ he did, that I was going to continue stretching him, that I would take him in that final way, but I didn't. I leaned back from him a bit, and by this time I believe he truly thought he was going to die. He'd lost a lot of oxygen struggling so hard, and he hadn't been able to breathe any new air back in with his face against the wall. I was no longer pressed up against him, but he didn't try to move. Maybe he couldn't, maybe he had just given up, but either way he was shaking like none other. His hair was damp and there were beads of sweat rolling across his back and onto the sheets. I rested one hand on his shoulder, and with the other took hold of myself, slipping my pants down only so much as I had to. It was strange to notice the tiniest amount of blood on my nails.

"I scooted back away from him just a little more, and then pulled him around so that I was kneeling upright, and he was down on his knees before me. He had a lot of trouble keeping himself from falling back over, but I kept a tight grip on his head.

"I guess when you mention rough sex, most people think of it happening fast and hard, but this wasn't like that. If anything, I went slower than I ever had, and I think that terrified Regulus more. It lasted longer than ever before. I pushed him down slowly, yet so very far that his reflex changed from gagging to swallowing. At the time I wasn't worried about it, but now that I reflect, it's a wonder he didn't bite me. He never did, not that night, not any other night, which is bizarre as that surely would have made me think twice about ever allowing my cock to drift so close to his mouth again.

"I can understand that that night he may have been fearing for his very life, and some semblance of a survival instinct may have kicked in. You know they say Stockholm Syndrome is actually a survival mechanism? Placating your captors, displaying genuine affection and cooperating in the hopes that they will not harm you, it dates back to Neolithic times, I guess, when warring tribes used to steal people from each other. I can think of no other explanation for why Regulus took all of the abuse I dished out to him in such stride, especially after he entered school and _must_ have learned that what was happening was wrong (although the fact that he never once mentioned it to anyone makes me assume he'd known it was wrong all along). Unless, of course, he honestly wanted to make me happy and was willing to destroy himself to do so.

"I can tell you with some certainty why it is I act the way I do, but there are some parts of Regulus's behavior that I cannot begin to understand. Even now, it would be so easy for him. I wasn't with him the entire time today when we spoke to Dumbledore, he has enough bruises and injuries (hell even _scars)_ to back up his story—not to mention Dumbledore is an excellent legilimens—so why didn't he just beg the professor for sanctuary? As helpful as he's been to the Order, Dumbledore would make accommodations for him in a flash. Regulus is smart, and he can reason these things out, so why does he never act? Even when I left him behind he tried to follow me when a sane person would have gathered their money and fled the country just in case I ever changed my mind and came back. It was I who ignored him at school those last two years, and the three years that followed, not the other way around. He tried to seek me out on several occasions."

"God, I wish he didn't," said Lily with some disgust, "but he _loves_ you."

"Yes," Sirius mused. "But…it can't be real, can it? There's no way…"

"Well, you said he didn't want you to leave him, even after he had been introduced to normal society at school. Tell me, keep going."

"All right. Nothing much else occurred along those lines that night, except that I felt strange. Climax had a tendency to do that to me, even still now, to some degree. It wiped me of all emotion and for a second I forgot why we were there. When I came back down to reality, the events started clicking into place again, only now that I was softening and comfortable, I didn't see Regulus's actions as so much of a betrayal. I seemed to realize I had overreacted."

" _Overreacted—?"_

"When I looked down at him, I was horrified. Not so much by the careful bruises along his ribcage and neck, or the few weak sputters he gave as his body tried to cough back up what he'd swallowed. No, what hit me so hard was the fact that he was actively leaning into the corner, letting the surrounding items close in on him even more. He was so goddam claustrophobic, and I knew this, so it shocked me to see that he would rather tangle himself up in his surroundings, would rather willingly enclose himself in a dark, small area, than be so much as an inch closer to me.

"I was so used to him preferring me, after all. If there was ever anyone else in the room, Mother, Father, cousins, uncles, it didn't matter who, Regulus was always by my side. He'd shy away from our own mother, who to my knowledge never laid a hand on him, burying his face in my shirt or wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. He would actively hide his face from other people, making eye contact only ever with me, but now here he was, burying his face and body in darkness and waiting to die, just to stay away from me.

"I cannot, like I said, presume to explain all of Regulus's strange behavior, but I do have quite a few theories and assumptions. At this point he was not even breathing. I know it is impossible to suffocate yourself to death simply by holding your breath as your body will not let you do such a thing, but I do not doubt that Regulus that night would have done it, with the aid of his magic if he needed to. It might seem that this was the low point, and that if, at that moment, a total stranger had burst into the room and whisked Regulus away from me he would be willing to recover, to admit that I was evil and find someone better for himself.

"That might be what it seems like, but it isn't the truth. I'm fairly certain of what was going through his head just then. He didn't want to be saved, seriously, he didn't. You see, the only person on this planet he'd ever wanted was me, but now he was realizing just how much I could, and would, hurt him. He was beginning to think I did not love him. Instead of wishing to be free of me, he simply wanted to die. He decided right then and there that if he couldn't be safe and loved with me, then he would rather cease to live.

"It took me a minute to realize that he wasn't just catching his breath. He really was no longer breathing. At that moment it didn't matter if it was because I'd pushed too hard on his diaphragm or if it was his twisted way of committing suicide right in front of me. I panicked. Had I really wanted him dead earlier? Of course not, but I had been angry enough to nearly do it. It was something I would have regretted, though, and now to see him slowly leaving right before my eyes was terrible.

"'Hey,' I whispered frantically. 'What do you think you're doing? _Regulus_ what are you doing?' I pulled him out to the middle of my king sized bed and lay down next to him. I thought that if I could just get him out of that corner, somewhere more open, that he would be okay. I remember I ran my hands all over his chest, as if that would make his lungs do their job. 'Reggie,' now I was crying, crying because I had been too rough and had broken my favorite toy, possibly for good. I tried desperately to _make_ him breathe again. I pried open his mouth with my hands gave him all of the air I had in my lungs. I hit him and shook him kissed him all over.

"But I couldn't kiss this injury better and I tried my hardest to send my own magic at him to counteract the magical stopper he had put on his own respiratory system, but I, even after years of training in the magical arts, was still not as powerful as he was. I couldn't undo this spell he managed, part of me wonders now if casting it was even a conscious decision on his part.

"'Regulus,' I sobbed. 'Stop it now, I'll call Father,' but I couldn't scare him into complying either. 'Please,' I rolled onto my back and pulled him on top of me. Then I pulled several sheets and blankets up over us. I held on to him tightly. If Regulus was going to really leave me, then they were going to have to pry his dead body from my arms.

"Obviously, he didn't actually die. I don't know what changed his mind, but just as his eyes were starting to roll back, he snapped out of it. He started coughing and gasping, and I had never been so happy in my life. He had to be okay now, he was making noises. I started crying even harder, I was so relieved.

"'Shush, shush,' I said, sitting up now and cradling him in my lap. My hands roamed under the blankets and I stroked and kissed his entire body, paying special attention to his neck and chest. I placed two sweet kisses over every bruise I'd left on his ribcage. I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and I made sure to be so incredibly gentle.

"I'd told Regulus I loved him before, many times, but never after sex, not once before then and not once since. But that night I did. 'I _love_ you,' I said, over and over. 'Please love me back again.'

"Regulus never responded to me. He never answered me nor did he return my hugs or kisses, he only lay wherever I moved him, shaking ever so slightly and never meeting my gaze. I don't know if he did this with the intent to punish me, but if that was his goal, it worked. I felt so horrible, and I knew Father would be ashamed of how I was acting, but I couldn't help it. I had nearly killed my Regulus, I had pushed our already strained relationship until it snapped and all that remained were a few weak strands of what once held us so close together.

"I kept him close to me the rest of the night, trying desperately to physically make up for what was now emotionally missing, and that was how the dawn found us when it entered coldly through my window. It found me lying on top of Regulus with my face buried in his neck, wanting nothing more than to never let go of him. I had fallen asleep for a short amount of time just prior to sunrise. Regulus, I'm sure, didn't sleep at all that night. When I woke up, he was staring, unblinkingly, up at the ceiling.

"I closed my eyes against the new light, and several more tears managed to escape me.

"'I'd run away from me, too,' I whispered. 'But you're better than me, so please don't,' I tried to appease him. 'I'll always love you, baby brother. Perfect Reggie, please forgive me.' I can remember every word I said to him, every touch I gave him, hoping to illicit a reaction, and how many times I tried to beg for his love again. It wasn't something I could forget. He still didn't say anything (had he known my promises were all empty lies?) and refused to look at me, so I gave him one more kiss, right on the corner of his eyebrow, and got up from bed, knowing my parents would soon come for me. Finding me cuddled up with a naked Regulus would not have been good.

"He did forgive me, though, if you hadn't already deduced as much. It was later that day, actually. I left him alone for hours, let him sit in his room and do whatever it was he did to occupy his time when I wasn't around, and I sulked in one of the drawing rooms. Around three or so in the afternoon, when both our parents had gone out, I was sitting Indian style in my father's large reading chair, feeling dejected, my eyes glazed over and looking at nothing in particular. Regulus meandered into the room carrying an afghan. It was blue, I remember, with green and black stripes. There were threads sticking out.

"Then he approached me ever so silently, and gently threw the blanket onto my lap. I looked at him for a moment, wondering what I could possibly say, when he suddenly climbed into my lap as well. He wordlessly wrapped the blanket around us and then put his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and hugged him close. I didn't say anything, because what words were there? He was completely mute as well, and we sat like that, cuddled up together, for many long hours, eyes wide open and never falling asleep."

Lily nodded somberly. "I'm…I'm just…I'm lost," she said. "I don't know what to think anymore. You're a…a…"

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, daring her to finish her sentence. Hastily, Lily changed tracks.

"If you cared so much for him, why did you run away? Why did you just ditch him?"

"Do you want me to skip to that part?"

"No," Lily said abruptly. "No…" she swiped the bottle back up from the coffee table and realized miserably that it was empty. "I guess we've probably had enough to drink," she conceded. "Ah, fuck it, I'm getting us another bottle. They're tiny bottles, right?"

Her joints cracked when she finally stood up from the sofa, stiff after remaining immobile for so long. From the kitchen she called back to Sirius, "keep talking, bro."

"Okay," he said, stretching and popping his shoulders. "So things were okay after that. I still visited Regulus nightly. Some nights would mean he had to suck me off, but others were more peaceful, sometimes I would just hold him. And there were always touches, no matter what else. I was ten times more affectionate than I had been before. I enjoyed pinpointing each and every one of his most sensitive places."

Lily returned to the living room. "Huckleberry," she deadpanned. She handed Sirius the bottle and he took a few small sips before passing it back. She collapsed down onto the couch next to him again.

"Right here," Sirius pointed to the base of his neck, just above the ridge of his collarbone. "Reggie loves to be touched right here…and kissed right along here," he ran his finger up and down the curve of his eyebrow.

Lily nodded, "Noted."

Sirius continued. "The summer passed peacefully after that," he said. "I exchanged some letters with James and the others, but I was careful to do it when Regulus wasn't around. And…I think we've made it back up to buying school supplies Regulus's first year. Yeah, we have. So we set off to school together, but not before Father and Mother had had a word with me at the station. They were starting to get a little angry, all the letters of my misdemeanors and my raucous flaunting of my Gryffindor spirit. Oh, they hadn't given up on me yet, far from it, but they were starting to pull out some serious stops, trying to get me to conform.

"Strangely enough, they never thought at that point to threaten to take from me the one thing that might have done their cause some good: Regulus. They didn't bring him up once that summer. Mother screamed at me a few times, and Father assured me he would confiscate everything from my broomstick to my very wand if I didn't start behaving myself, but the idea that losing the privilege of being with Regulus would so totally devastate me never crossed their minds. I was happy for that.

"So we got on the train, and I saw a whole new side of my brother. He didn't want to sit with me on the Express. I was already planning on telling him to get lost in favor of James, Remus, and Peter, but he either had already assumed this, or didn't care to sit with me at all because as soon as we boarded, he stood on tip-toe to give me a kiss on the cheek and then dashed off down the corridor after some other first years. It threw me a little off balance the whole ride. James kept asking me if I was ill.

"I got up and checked on him after a few hours. I couldn't stand it. I found him in a compartment with these two girls in his grade and a boy prefect. I looked in through the glass. They seemed to be having a good time just talking. Regulus wasn't smiling or laughing like they were, but he was scrutinizing them very closely, studying them almost. I had thought that thrown into any sort of social situation, he would cling to me like always, but this wasn't the case. He was perfectly fine with other people. Later on I would learn that he was excellent at sneaking around in the outskirts of social groups and manipulating everyone without their knowing. The public domain he had never been exposed to was like a game to him, some new and exciting challenge. My only piece of solace was that he wasn't an active part of their conversation. He still hardly opened his mouth around other people.

"Well, I pulled him out of the compartment explaining to those others that we had to spend some quality time together on the train before he was separated from me at the school, and I led him by the arm down to the bathrooms. I pulled him into one, locked it, and then pressed him up against the door, kissing him hard on the mouth. There wasn't usually much tongue involved because normally _I_ was kissing _him._ We didn't often kiss each other, but this time was different. I got him to return the kiss, and I was finding that I loved the electric buzz I felt when our tongues connected.

"Regulus, I think, thought that I'd dragged him off because I was wanting a quick fix, and he broke away from my kiss and started to sink to his knees in front of me, but I pulled him back up, saying 'no,' and I started kissing him again. I pulled him away from the door and hugged him to me, one hand in his hair, the other on his back. He was laughing into my kiss; I think I was amusing him somehow.

"We couldn't hide in there forever, though, and eventually I went back to the Marauders and left Regulus to his own devices. It might not seem important to mention that incident on the train, but it was actually a perfect example of how our relationship had changed once again. We were like two people in love, it was like we were dating properly. When we got to the school, and Regulus was sorted into Slytherin like I knew he would be—remember he's such a sneaky little bastard—I still saw him frequently. I'd set up meetings and we'd fly on the Quidditch Pitch or go for walks by the lake under the stars. Yes we still did other things, but slowly it was changing towards something a little more mutual.

"It was no longer just me that got my climax. I'd stroke Regulus off as well, usually when we were kissing after the fact. It was Christmas Break that year (when I stayed at school for once and Regulus stayed as well) when I put my mouth on _him_ for the first time."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "You did what now?"

"I wasn't very good at it, of course, and Regulus wouldn't do to me what I'd always done to him, which would have been to grab my head and move it for me, but I think the gesture itself had him over the moon. I finally had it back, you see, that unwavering adoration that I had so carelessly broken the previous summer. In fact, I had it back and then some. Regulus had never, up until that point, loved me so much as before we'd become intimate. We'd lost something the night Father had urged me into starting this whole messed up ordeal. That school year, though, things were nearly as perfect as they could be. I had to keep most everything a secret, of course, and Regulus and I didn't spend all that much time together in public, but every once and a while I'd sneak down to his dorm and when everyone else was gone from the common room, I'd read to him while he fell asleep on my lap. Or we'd meet randomly in hallways on our way to classes and we'd shrink behind tapestries and kiss each other silly.

"I was happy. I thought things were perfect, but of course it couldn't last. Partially because I'm an idiot and mostly because our parents always ruined everything for me."

"Have we gotten to your flight to James's house yet?"

"Almost Lily, first there was the summer. I was midway through my teen years, Regulus still a good three to four or so years behind me depending on the month, and remember, we hadn't actually had real sex yet.

"Well, my parents saw fit to change that. God only knows how they'd figured just how far Regulus and I had gotten. I think this was the last ditch attempt to get me to cooperate with their pureblood mania before they brought out the big guns. It was the first night back from Hogwarts and I'd carried both Regulus's and my own trunks up into my room. Then I returned back to the entryway for my brother, who was falling asleep against the wall.

"'You're so cute, Reggie,' I said, and I picked him up and carried him carefully up the stairs. Holding his gentle weight just felt so perfect.

"But when I got to his room, intending to lay him down in his own bed and curl up next to him while he napped, I ran right into my father, who was standing in Regulus's doorway, my mother behind him. Immediately I set Regulus down and gently patted his cheek to wake him back up. He blinked blearily a few times, but then, upon seeing my parents, fell back into his old habit (the one I had seen so little of at school) of shrinking back into me and averting his eyes.

"My father seemed exasperated, and my mother…well, indifferent. Father reached out and yanked Regulus away from me. He pulled him into the room and I had no choice but to follow. I had not willingly left Regulus alone with either of my parents since the day I recanted my vow to kill him, and I sure did not intent to break that record just then.

"'Okay, Sirius,' was all my father said. He threw my Regulus onto the bed.

"I know now that my parents intended this encounter to be so satisfying for me that I would crave it again and again. They planned, I think, to get me addicted to my brother in a whole new way and then hold him over my head. Probably something along the lines of saying that they would not let him live with me when I was of age if I did not shape up immediately. Perhaps they would have gone so far as to threaten to get rid of him, send him away or maybe even kill him. But those were not thoughts that I had time for at that moment.

"I don't think I even need to mention to you that the evening did not go so well. Regulus; I was much more focused on myself, but I think I remember him being scared out of his wits. He always caught on to things so much faster than I did. He had probably figured that Mother and Father being in his room with us was a terrible, terrible thing for him. His mind must have been flashing back to that first night with Father pulling him up out of bed and all but throwing me at him.

"He'd curled himself up in a little ball and though he might have been twelve at the time, he looked to me no bigger than that night that he had been ten.

"My parents are foreboding people, Lily, even to an adult. I was just sixteen and they were very much a frightening presence when either of them got into one of their moods. I remember trying desperately to appeal to my Mother, who was usually the more rational of the two, but she was leaning against the wall, one arm crossed over her chest and the other guiding a cigarette to her mouth. She whispered harshly, ' _For God's sake, Orion, this was your idea, now go through with it. It's not like he's ever going to do it on his own.'_

"I ignored that she was speaking about me as if I weren't there. It wasn't urgent at the moment.

"It didn't take me too much longer to clue in on what was going to happen. And it wasn't that I didn't want to make love to Regulus, it was quite the opposite. I wanted to very badly, but I wanted to wait. Lily, he was so little! That protective instinct in me had come back much stronger than it had ever been, and part of it already wanted to kick my ass for doing with Regulus what I had been over the years. Actual, physical sex was something I had been planning on bringing up years down the road, when I deemed him old enough.

"And I wasn't so mean a person as I had been when I was littler. If you haven't caught on, being away from my parents every year had…well it didn't get rid of what I was, but it did hide it nicely under a façade of decency. I wanted to _make love_ with Regulus one day, like lovers do. I did not want to simply _take_ him and I certainly did not want to do this against his will. I remembered all too well that crushing horror I had felt the last time I'd been too rough with him. If I broke him again, if we went through another horrible night like the one that summer, I was positive he would never forgive me. We would never be able to bounce back from that.

"But my parents had different ideas. Now, this night exists in major contrast in my memory. Parts of it, I blocked out, mostly small intervals, so some of it's a little choppy. Other instances, however, I can remember down to the minute details, and exist in my mind as a blow by blow account.

"For instance, I don't remember much of how it started. I can remember it was very dark, just like it always seemed it was. The smoke from my mother's cigarette was sickening me, and my parents lit no lights. I remember that my father pinned me against the side of Regulus's bed and all I could focus on were my brother's eyes. His eyes shining in the dark and suddenly I very much wanted to learn if there were freckles in my eyes as well that would align perfectly with his every time we kissed. It seemed so depressing in that instant that I still didn't know that. I was crushed by the feeling and I wished very much that I had thought to look. I was filled with a sudden dread that something was about to die for good.

"Regulus, I think, had been emboldened a little by his adventures at school. Meeting so many new people had brought out talents in him he had never known he had. People acted like he was normal, the teachers had certainly seemed to love him. He had been looked on with respect and equality and now he knew that this dark place in which we lived was most assuredly not okay, that it was twisted and deranged. It had long since been proven to him (because understanding on an intellectual level that something is true and seeing the proof for yourself are two different states of acceptance) that normal families did not do this to each other, and now he expected me to protect him. Instead of going along with it like I always had before, he expected me to put a stop to it. To pull out my wand, if I had to."

Lily couldn't stop herself. "So all this time, you've been bitching about how your brother could never stand up to your parents, but it was you who didn't have the guts to do one decent thing in your entire life."

Sirius had no answer for her. He stared straight into her eyes for several long seconds, before pulling his gaze to the side, and that was all the answer she needed.

"The next few minutes are missing from my memory. It was all sort of a blur. Father held Regulus down and pulled off every stitch of clothing he had on. Regulus thrashed and fought all the while, he was probably wondering why I didn't stop Father and at least do it myself. I knew how much he hated being touched by that man. I didn't move, though, only watched in fascination. You see, a small part of me—a part I'll admit was rapidly growing—was coming to accept what was happening next. I sometimes slipped into old habits too, and letting my father guide me through these sorts of things was one of them. One I had hoped never to revisit, but still it was there.

"Now I said I was fascinated, and that was partly because, despite my love for Regulus, I was insanely curious. I wanted to know what it would be like. I wanted to cross that final barrier. I had already resigned myself that my parents were going to make it happen either way, so why not enjoy myself? I had reasoned out, as well, that surely this, this final hurtle to get over, would guarantee Regulus be mine for life. How could he ever leave me after I claimed him so completely?

"I know it didn't make sense, but I so wanted it to at the time. It was rationalization, I know, but it was all I had, the only other option being to call up some bravery from a deep well of courage within myself and stand up to my father. Such reserve chivalry, however, it turns out I didn't have. I climbed up onto the bed with such a greedy look on my face. Again I got to see my brother naked, and he was even more delectable than the last time. There was just a little bit more muscle, just the tiniest bit more shape to his physique. I wouldn't have been surprised if my mouth was watering.

"As was usual, I didn't remove much clothing. I undid my trousers just enough for this all to work. My mother, who I had almost forgotten was in the room, caught a glimpse of me and I remember she whistled, complimenting me. It should have made my face burn, but it didn't.

"Regulus made a last ditch effort to get out of this with minimal damage. He leaned down like he was going to do what he was so used to doing, but Father stopped him. He said something to him, something harsh and cruel, but I can't remember what it was, or maybe I just don't want to.

"Then it was like I was a little kid all over again. Father was instructing me so calmly and carefully. Regulus was in a fully-fledged panic mode at this point, but I think he was so frightened his muscles had all seized up. He didn't try to get away anymore.

"Father was the one who prepared him, and he did it none to gently, I remember. Regulus shivered because his hands were cold, and he cried out because they were unlubricated. I was no expert, by far, but even I was aware that the way he was going about this was doing Regulus no favors. My father ignored his feeble protests, perhaps not out of cruelty, but because he had even managed to convince himself that Regulus wasn't a person, that he didn't have feelings or the ability to comprehend pain.

"In and out he went, and he demonstrated this odd scissoring motion. As painful as his preparation of Regulus was, I wish he had done it for longer, because Regulus was not stretched enough for me

"I did exactly as Father said. I let him help me align my hips, and then I started to enter. I hadn't gotten much further than the head before Regulus was outright begging me to quit. It hurt, he insisted. He asked me why I wouldn't stop. I don't think I had ever heard him string together quite so many words before. To be frank, it scared me, angered me almost. _Regulus_ didn't talk so much, so what the hell was going on? Surely this squirming body beneath me couldn't belong to my little brother; it wasn't behaving in the correct manner.

"That brief, unseated fear that I had, that this was surely a poorly constructed doppelganger of _my_ Regulus was something that my ego ran off with, immediately employing that rationalization defense mechanism again in full swing. This wasn't really Regulus, so it was okay, but at the same time it _looked_ like Regulus, so it was acceptable for me to do it. It wasn't cheating, I could claim confusion.

"Do you see how unhinged my mind was at the moment? It harbored such ridiculous thoughts. I have trouble believing it even now, but that's how it happened. Bottom line is I pushed all rational thought to the back of my mind, maybe even further than that, and let myself get lost in the feeling. I started to thrust in a little deeper, because my current position would never do, but I didn't get very far before I yelped and actually clapped a hand to my mouth.

"It _hurt._ It really hurt. I couldn't believe it, it was supposed to feel good, wasn't it? Well, maybe not so much for Regulus, but for me, certainly. In one erratic movement, I had yanked myself out of my brother and began the momentous task of leveling out my breathing, because it sounded like I had just run a fucking mile. I was panting and even shaking a little. I assume it was all because Regulus was so small and because Father had done a poor job getting him ready for me, but I suppose I should also acknowledge the possibility that Regulus himself was deploying some kind of defense strategy. I have no doubt he had the magical prowess to hurt me, but at the time, I had just never suspected that he ever _would._ I still don't know."

"Why don't you ask him about it?" Lily suggested quietly. Her voice was hoarse, as if she were the one who had been talking almost constantly for the better part of two hours.

Sirius looked at her incredulously. "Are you serious?" he almost laughed. "Ask Regulus about an event that happened more than half a decade ago? He wouldn't remember…"

"You do," Lily pointed out. She was curled up in a tight ball on the very edge of the sofa now, her chin resting on the knees of her pajama pants.

"Yes, well, Regulus was in a state of panic, you have to understand. Even if he _did_ deploy his magic to hurt me like that, he might not even have realized he was doing it. And it hadn't left him unaffected, either. As soon as I was off him, curled up slightly on myself, Regulus's hands reached down so fast they were almost a blur. He was whimpering and trying to rub the pain away. He started to roll into a little ball again, but my father grabbed him, and rolled him onto his stomach.

"Up until that point, Regulus had been on his back, it was the last piece of dignity that had been left for him. Now it was gone, though. I looked up again, with tear filled eyes, and noted this in my mind.

"I wish it had just been left at that, catalogued as a failed attempt and filed away as something to warrant further consideration in the future. I am sure that, if at that moment my father had decided it wasn't feasible yet, that we needed more _time,_ I would never have left Reggie. You see, we were both hurting, we were almost on even ground. I would have left the house that very night and I would have taken him with me.

"But of course that didn't happen, you know that already. And you already know that my parents' endeavor did succeed. Father held Regulus down by the shoulders and I slowly regained my composure. I looked only once at my father's face to see that there was no getting out of this. I didn't even bother double checking with a look to my mother, I only resigned myself.

"So I climbed on top of Regulus again, and tried a second time. It seemed to take forever, but I managed to enter him completely, and believe me, he fought me every inch of the way to the best of his ability. He thrashed and screamed hoarsely, calling me names I didn't know he even knew. It made Mother laugh. He managed to dislodge me completely several times, despite Father's hold on him, but each time his reward was only a harsher reentrance.

"Being unable to see Regulus's face now that he lay on his stomach, coupled with his uncharacteristic yelling and movement, kind of deleted his identity from my mind. It was like I didn't recognize him anymore, and that made it okay, enjoyable even, once I'd gotten past the initial pain.

"Erm, I'm not sure how much of a detailed, as it were blow-by-blow account, you want, but overall the whole thing was pretty raw. There had been no lubrication for me either, and I scraped myself with every motion. I suffered through it, though—"

"Yeah, you really fucking suffered!"

" _And over time_ …it started to get slicker, easier. It dawned on me that I was making Regulus bleed and that this impromptu lubrication of sorts was making my life a whole lot easier."

"I can't fucking believe you—"

"Regulus had run out of fight after a while, and was pressing his face down hard into the mattress—the pillow had long since been knocked off—he stretched his hands out feebly to grasp the headboard in an attempt to steady himself, because I was pushing him around quite a bit. Every muscle in his body was high strung to the point of snapping. He was covered in a thick sheen of sweat and trembling. Eventually the strength ran out in his arms, though, and when his elbows bent, the force of what I was doing sent him careening those last few inches, headfirst into the wood with a resounding smack. I didn't even break rhythm. By that point I was out of my own mind, controlled completely by an intense pleasure. I said no words, but I'm sure I still made a lot of noise. I am glad, _to this day,_ that I either did not hear, or can no longer remember hearing what my mother must have said. I imagine the very memory would make me hurl.

"I had thought that Regulus had been complacent before, when his energy had first died down, but now he was nearly catatonic, that last blow to the head being the final straw on his already strained body. I leaned forward, clawing my fingers into his shoulders, and finished. I spasmed a few times and then collapsed, shaking and completely boneless. It was such a high that black dots were swarming my vision.

"My father gave a small laugh of approval, and when I could see properly again I looked up from where I lay on top of my brother, and noticed my mother had left sometime earlier. I concentrated again on my father. He nodded at me once and then smirked as I resituated my clothing. He must have thought he had won, that they had me now, that I surely must think there was no rebellion on this planet worth giving this up.

"And for a while there, he was right."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, taking in shaky breaths.

"I mean that after I was once again presentable, I stood up off the bed on sort of shaky legs. My father steadied me with a hand on my shoulder and began to lead me out the door. He was taking me downstairs to my mother, she was getting some papers lined out. Plans for my future were going to be made. Betrothal suggestions, housing possibilities, class choices, that sort of thing. My father stepped in front of me as we crossed the threshold, and I was about to follow him, now fairly steady on my own two legs, when I heard Regulus call out behind me.

"'Sirius!' he sobbed, and again I was struck by the volume his voice had reached. When I looked back I saw him there, tiny, vulnerable, and looking utterly miserable. We had never gotten under the blankets, so he wasn't covered by anything. I noted almost with detachment the traces of blood on his hands, on the comforter beneath him, and on his forehead.

"He was screaming, and my Regulus never screamed. He very nearly ripped his throat apart from the inside out yelling that I _had_ to come back, _please_ I couldn't leave him. He said that I couldn't abandon him. Screamed it, actually, and it was because he was screaming that I looked at him with a certain coldness in my heart. This was not my Reggie anymore, for my Reggie was quiet and sweet and knew to do what I wanted.

"But still, as we locked eyes, he continued to beg. He asked for only one thing, really, he wanted me to come back to his room when I was done talking with Mother and Father. To return, at some point during that night and comfort him, explain that I still loved him with all of my heart, an expression that, up until that moment, had been true. It wasn't that I had loved Regulus more than I had loved anyone else; it was that he quite literally had all the love that was mine to give. I loved no one else, not even my friends, not really. He insisted, (and for this one sentence his voice dropped back to that quiet whisper I knew so well) 'I'll never forgive you, not if you don't come back.'

"I stood there, taking in the oncoming silence that followed Regulus's outburst and breathing deeply. Then, slowly, I nodded once, a small movement really, but a promise nonetheless…and I followed my father out of the room. He didn't comment on my brother's words and neither did I, but instead he led me downstairs to my mother, where our planning began.

"I imagine we laid out nearly my whole future that night. Certainly enough of it to kill most of the mystery there is associated with growing up, but whatever. I was all for it at the moment, and believe it if you will, I was actually planning on keeping my promise and going back to Regulus like he'd demanded, if only to show him my disapproval at his yelling. It was something that would have to go before he moved in with me, which was only a couple years away by that point.

"But that's when the letter came, and that ruined everything, because if I had gone back to Regulus then, like I had planned, for better or worse we would have made up. As things happened, however, I got about midway back up the staircase from the drawing room when my mother called me back sweetly.

"'Sirius,' she said. 'This letter came for you just a moment before you came down. Big, pretty grey owl brought it over.'"

Sirius stopped talking. Lily gave him thirty seconds before demanding abruptly, "What? Why'd you—Sirius, keep going!"

"I'm sorry," he laughed bitterly and ran a hand through his hair. "It's just I don't know if I should tell you, it might make you angry with—"

"The letter's from James, isn't it?" Lily asked, exasperated.

"Yes," Sirius admitted.

"Well? Did it say _Sirius come hang with me but be sure to leave your emotionally damaged brother alone with your two sociopathic parents so he can be driven into such misery that joining Voldemort looks like a decent option. Love, James…_?"

"No," said Sirius slowly. "But…"

"Then, strangely enough, my blame still attaches itself to _you_ ," Lily barked, sitting up on her knees. She looked to be on the verge of grabbing Sirius by his shirt collar and shaking him. "Now keep talking, goddammit!"

"Okay, right…right, sorry. So here's what happened next. I don't really remember much of the letter. It was just the usual stuff. 'Hi, I'm bored already, what's up with you? Do you want to come visit sometime?' That sort of thing. But still, it was from _James_ and I just, I mean my mind was all over the place that night. The letter from James induced this inexplicable euphoria within me, and I immediately dashed back up to my room to respond to it.

"I…I wrote back. I've no idea what I said, but I sent the letter off with my owl. She took off out the window and I just sat down on my bed. Only for a second! I wanted to rest for a few moments, I was tired.

"Only I blinked once…and when my eyes were open again, it was the next day. I'd fallen asleep, Lily. And as soon as I was awake I realized with a horror that I had broken my promise to Regulus. He had undoubtedly sat up all night waiting for me, because it was in his nature to do something like that. And I hadn't shown up.

"I cursed myself. I'd fucked things up, how was I supposed to fix things this time? I would have to apologize, for starters.

"But I didn't get the chance to, I just…that morning my uncle came by. You know my Uncle Alphard? Well, he's always had a bit of a preference for me. He never gave Regulus the time of day, but me he adored for some reason. Backwards, isn't it? I guess he just wasn't so good at reading people as he thought, but he was constantly under the impression that getting me away from my parents and the rest of the wizarding world on a regular basis would turn me into a decent person."

"Such experiences were obviously unnecessary for Regulus," Lily scoffed.

"Don't think too lowly of my uncle. He meant well, he just…maybe didn't execute his plans too well. But the point is that he was waiting down at the kitchen table for me to wake up. I've no idea where my parents were; still sleeping, out shopping, prowling around the Ministry, it didn't matter. I was alone in the kitchen with my uncle and Regulus was nowhere to be found. I'd stopped by his room, but he hadn't been in it. The kitchen had been my next place to look.

"I displayed some amount of shock at seeing my uncle there, and then immediately asked him if he'd seen my brother. The sooner I got to Regulus, or so I thought, the more quickly he would forgive me. Then I could kiss him once, maybe hug him, ditch this horrific guilt and get on with my life.

"But Uncle Alphard seemed to not even know who I was talking about. He caught on a second later, laughing, 'Oh, yes, Reginald, right…the little one. No, I haven't seen him. But you, my Gryffindor nephew, I have a big surprise for you! Sort of a welcome home for the summer present, if you will.'

"I cocked my head to the side and asked, 'what?' Then in that paternal manner he'd always reserved for me, my uncle beckoned me closer and put a hand on my shoulder. He whispered in my ear that he had reserved an estate in Paris for the next week and a half and that I and however many of my friends I could scrounge up were going to go stay there in France, drink as much wine as we wanted, and if I understood his subtle hinting at all, have it on with as many French girls as we could find."

"France!" Lily moaned, grinding her palm into her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? James didn't shut up about that trip for months. Hell, he _still_ talks about it sometimes. I had no idea that it—Jesus."

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Well…we left. As in, right then, no hesitation, no packing, nothing. We just flooed over to James's, unannounced. Uncle Alphard exchanged some words with James's parents while he and I dashed around alerting all of our closest friends. Peter couldn't go because his mother was paranoid about the French, I remember, but Remus was in and we also took several other fellow Gryffindors. If you had still been in school at the time I'm sure we would have remembered you and invited you as well."

"Because I had nothing better to do at the time than frolic along with a bunch of sixteen year olds. Right."

For a second, Sirius didn't say anything.

"Why didn't you take your brother along?" asked Lily curiously. "I would think that would make a good first part of your apology."

Sirius swirled the wine bottle around in a slow circle, watching the last of the alcohol slosh around at the bottom. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I'm trying to think…I guess it…I guess I didn't want him around my friends, or I wanted to be just with my friends. In that instant, it just seemed like it'd be lame to have him tagging along."

"So you didn't even think to contact him? Sirius, didn't you just say that you didn't even know where he was?"

"I don't know, Lily! It's not like I'm the only person in the world who ever blew off their younger brother to hang with their friends! It's just what people do."

"You _didn't even know where he was,_ " Lily hissed. "Sirius, he was missing, for god's sake, didn't that concern you?"

"Well it's not like was five," said Sirius indignantly. "He was almost thirteen, he could take care of himself!"

"And you believe that?" asked Lily coldly. "You believe what you're saying right now?"

"Of course I do."

"You're crying."

"No, I'm not," said Sirius hastily. He frantically rubbed his eyes.

"Yes, you are," Lily insisted. She leaned forward and grabbed his wrists to make him stop. "What…what happened when you came back?"

"My parents," Sirius coughed briefly. "My parents were not pleased. My uncle hadn't told them, you see, he waited until we were already out of the country before sending them word that he'd taken me vacationing. And well…they don't like being left out of the loop very much. I don't know what they were thinking exactly, probably that this kind of behavior was counterproductive to what they needed me to be. It was like they finally snapped and went a little berserk on me. When I came home, alone because Uncle Alphard had no intention of getting into a screaming match with his brother-in-law, it wasn't pretty.

"I don't know where Regulus was that first morning when I was looking for him, but he was safe at home when I returned from France. He was in the kitchen eating sweets, actually. I remember that was the first thing I noticed. My brother, my shadow, was seated at the head of the dinner table at four in the afternoon, snacking on cakes and soft drinks. My jaw almost dropped. I rarely got to destroy my dinner appetite with junk food, since when did Regulus?

"And that's when the screaming started. It wasn't just the impromptu vacation, or the running off without telling them. They dragged up every misdemeanor I'd ever performed, dating all the way back to my school sorting. I was a failure, an embarrassment.

"None of these insults were new to me, of course, I'd heard them all a dozen times, but there was one thing that hadn't been present before: comparison to Regulus. Suddenly Mother and Father were citing him as the example of a perfect son. Look at how obedient Regulus was, look at how well-mannered. Regulus was in Slytherin like everyone else, Regulus wasn't friends with the wrong sorts of people (my attempts to counter that by mentioning that Regulus was friends with no one at all were all met with more insults and several threats of physical violence).

"Lily you can't possibly imagine how confused I was, this was such a change of tactics. And the whole time while my parents and I, standing face to face in the entryway to the kitchen, shouted loud enough to shake the portraits on the walls, Regulus was silent. I could see him easily from where I stood, and he just sat there, frozen. He stared at us all with this helpless look on his face, but not once did he speak. I'm not sure, exactly, what I thought he should have said to defend me at the time, but now I realize there's not much he could have said. What had I expected? Him to get up and stand next to me, scream that Mother and Father had no right to treat me like this? After what I'd done to him? I never imagined it then, but how must he have felt when, after what went down that night, not only did I not go back to him, but instead I disappeared altogether?

"So he didn't stand up for me, and honestly it wouldn't have been much help if he had, and I suppose I had it coming, but I saw it as a sort of betrayal. He was supposed to be mine, loyal to me, and here he was in league with the enemy: our parents.

"And that's how it began, that's when Regulus was suddenly the golden child. My parents started bending over backwards for him. He got affection and privileges I had never had, and it enraged me to no end. I started to hate him, instead of hating Mother and Father, who were honestly the real causes of my distress. It was just easier for me to take out my anger on the thin child four years my junior than on the parents who had control over every aspect of my life and future.

"Really, though, all the sudden attention confused Regulus. And of course he understood its origins better than I did. He knew that it was all false, and I don't think he understood why I didn't comprehend that fact as well; why I didn't realize that my parents were just trying to get me riled up and jealous. If I had caved to them right then and there, they would have never given Regulus a second thought again. He was a tool to them, but I didn't see it.

"When we went school shopping my parents didn't come to Diagon Alley with us, only sent Regulus with money, all of which I took from him, leaving him to beg borrow or steal his supplies. I don't know what he ended up doing. I told you that the two times we went shopping together were good days for me but that was a lie. The first was genuine, because I spent so much of it with my Regulus at my heels, but this one, I left him alone in the street and ran fast to James and Peter, both of whom I'd seen standing by the ice cream shop. There was a reason I'd taken more than my share of money. I figured I was going to need it, because I was never going home."

Sirius's voice trailed off and a tangible silence engulfed the room. Then Lily took a deep breath.

"And I guess that's the part where you're officially out of the picture?"

"Yes," Sirius confirmed. "I saw Regulus only a few times after that. He was waiting for me outside Gryffindor tower the first night back to school. He came bounding up to me, looking like he was going to fucking throw his arms around me or something and I just remember how I couldn't let him. My friends were there, for god's sake, I'd have looked like a total loser."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "If you were so cool as you thought you were, you wouldn't have cared what you looked like."

Sirius rolled his eyes, but his heart wasn't in the expression.

"He tried again, you know. I mean, I sidestepped disaster that one time, but he didn't give up. He sent me letters; some I read, some I burned, and some I sent back unopened. They tapered off after a while. He caught up with me in Hogsmeade once, to drop off my Christmas present. Fucking Remus was with me at the moment and he was too nice to tell Regulus to fuck off. Took the gift from him and thanked him for me, like I was some little kid who didn't understand how to say the words yet—"

Lily cut him off sharply, "what'd he get you?" she asked eagerly.

Sirius blinked a few times. "A—a fucking stupid, _girly_ thing. It was—if I remember correctly—this damn ugly necklace. Some gaudy lion emblem on a rope string. I don't know where he got such a terrible looking piece of jewelry. Most professionals do a better job than that. It was all frayed and whatnot, and the paint job was a little uneven—" Sirius stopped himself.

"So after a while he stopped trying to reach out to you?" asked Lily. "He gave up?"

"Yeah I guess," Sirius shrugged.

"So he gave up, and joined the ranks for, I don't know, some sense of belonging or…what?"

Sirius brushed his leg harshly, swiping at some invisible dust. "Fuck if I know," he griped. "I told you, I don't understand ninety percent of the shit that kid does. God only knows why he does anything."

"You love him," said Lily simply.

"The fuck are you saying?" asked Sirius testily.

"Listen to yourself, Sirius, you've contradicted yourself so many times it's comical. You might not want to admit to it, but Reggie is your everything. These last few years? Well, you're just a masochist," she smiled a little.

"He's not my anything anymore. I don't need my family, Lily, I cut off all ties with them years ago." Sirius insisted.

"No," Lily countered. "That's a stupid way to think, Sirius. You cut off from their ideals (and we'll just forget that it was for less than noble reasons) not from them. Especially not from Regulus. Come on, man, can't you learn to separate people out of these all encompassing labels you churn out? Hating someone because they're in an 'evil' family is just as ridiculous as hating a person for impure blood. You could be fucked to practice what you preach."

For a moment Sirius was silent, then: "You know…I actually haven't been completely honest. I think I DO know why Reggie did it. Joined Voldemort, I mean, and it had nothing to do with our parents or blood supremacy or anything along those lines. It was always so obvious, I just didn't care too much to pay attention. You see, Lily, he wanted to protect me. He truly believed, somewhere deep in his heart that if our side won the war, I would protect him, no matter how much I'd said I hated him; I would take him in and plead his case, save him from the dementors, from the anger of those left alive amongst us. He thought I had his back, you know? So can you guess it? Do you know why he did it? No one else in the world ever mattered to Regulus, not wizards or muggles or anyone in between; it was only ever me. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Lily said softly. "Yeah, no I do, I think I do. He was doing the same thing that he _thought_ you were doing for him. He knew there was a chance Voldemort would win. He wanted to be there when he did, so he could plead sanctuary for _you._ So he could request from Voldemort the life of his renegade brother." She laughed bitterly, "And why wouldn't Voldemort grant him that? Regulus might not have been a useful Death Eater in the field, but he was the perfect pureblood poster child for Voldemort's regime. Surely he would give Regulus one small gift in return for helping him take the world. I imagine Regulus asking for your life to be spared would be small compared to what most of the other Death Eaters would demand for their years of service. I believe what you said, Sirius, about Regulus not caring about anyone else. It makes perfect sense that he would have detachment, total _apathy_ for this civil war as a whole. _All he ever wanted was you!_ "

And with that, Lily grabbed Sirius's arm and yanked him forward harshly. She shoved her hand down his shirt and clasped her hand around something metallic. Sirius closed his eyes in defeat.

With a soft smile, Lily pulled out her hand and opened it, staring with interest at Regulus's tiny, homemade lion necklace.

**Section lll:**

"I'm going to go up to bed now, Lily, okay?"

Lily nodded and curled up on the couch, preparing to sleep there for the night. Sirius walked slowly up the creaking stairs. Mindlessly, he guided himself straight to his bedroom where he found Regulus still awake and sitting cross-legged near the headboard.

"Hey," Sirius noted. "I thought you were dying for sleep?"

Regulus looked up at him and stared for a moment, trying to discern his older brother's mood. Finally, he smiled. "I couldn't sleep…without you here. So I was waiting."

"How cute," Sirius commented. He stripped off his clothing and motioned for Regulus to do the same. He left his necklace on.

Catlike, Sirius crawled onto the bed and stretched himself out over his brother. With wide eyes, Regulus reached out a tentative hand to grasp at Sirius's necklace. His fingers ran over the braided rope cord, faded and frayed from years of being worn.

_It can't be true, it can't be true._

Regulus shook himself out of his useless dreams and resigned himself for Sirius's coldness to resurface; and for a moment, it did. Sirius went at him hungrily, muttering reprimands into his neck and shoulders. Where did Lily get off talking to him like that, anyway? Regulus was his, was always his, his to do with as he damn well wanted.

Then Sirius made either a huge mistake, or perhaps it was the best decision of his life: he didn't flip Regulus over onto his stomach, instead choosing to keep him on his back so they were face to face. And there they stayed, chest to chest and closer than close, Sirius still with a death grip on his brother, like Regulus was trying to get away but it had been nearly a decade since he last attempted to run.

Regulus was on his back and so Sirius could see his eyes. Panting slightly from exertion, he paused what he was doing and looked directly to Regulus's face. Regulus was crying. Pain, sadness, anger, frustration, it didn't matter. There were slick tears gliding out of the corner of his eyes. Silently, of course, because Regulus was always so very, very quiet, but they were there and Sirius could see them.

And suddenly he was reminded painfully, almost forcefully, of that night so many years ago. The night he had told Lily about; the night when Regulus hid from him in the attic. Sirius was struck by how little his brother had changed over the years. He was taller, yes, but only slightly wider, and his face was exactly the same as it had been that night. That night the moon had shone behind him and cast his face in shadow, but Sirius knew this was the look his brother had worn.

_You found me. You found me. I knew you would. Death for the deserter, death for he who tries to run._

It was as if the words had been spoken out loud, and for a moment Sirius was sickened that his brother would think he, Regulus, was the one prone to desertion. Sirius leaned more heavily on his arms, taking his weight off Regulus. He looked hard into Regulus's eyes, looked past the shimmering cover of tears and saw again those six or seven little freckles flecked near the irises. Sirius blinked hard, wondering why, still after all these years, he was unable to say if his eyes matched his brother's or not. He had still never looked.

A familiar yet long absent feeling spread outward from Sirius's very core. He now held his eyes wide open. Regulus had not cried so hard during…had not cried so much because of Sirius since he had dragged him down from the attic at Grimmauld and back to his room.

Slowly, Sirius put one hand on the side of Regulus's face and felt him lean into it. Slowly, he leaned closer and closer until his cheek rested against his brother's, warm skin on skin. Slowly and slowly…

… _and for once he pauses and really thinks._

end chapter three

_/end final_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been floating around the internet on FF.net, LJ, and InsaneJournal for a good decade now. I am honestly surprised that in all that time I've never received a single flame for it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was a request for an LJ friend of mine who's name now escapes me, but the original prompt was: "Regulus lives. He, Lily, James, and Sirius all end up bunked together in a safe house. Peter is redeemed off screen. Remus makes no appearances. Lily and James are not together [please make James slashy and in denial], and while you're at it, can Sirius please be screwing his brother?"


End file.
